A rail commuter is standing on a platform getting increasingly annoyed as he listens to announcements about late and cancelled trains. Seeing a railway worker he marches over to him and says, “You tell me, just what is the point of having a time table if the trains are always late?”
“Well,” says the railway worker, “If we didn’t have a timetable, how would you know they
are late?”
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders some soup. It takes a while before the soup to arrive and when it does it’s too hot. While waiting for the soup to cool, the guy needs to go to the bathroom. But before he leaves the table he thinks,
‘While I’m in the bathroom, somebody might eat the soup. What can I do?’ He has this flash of insight, and he pulls out of his pocket a pen and paper. He writes, ‘I’ve spat into the soup!’
After putting the note next to the soup, our clever guy runs quickly to the bathroom.
But horror, when he returns, he sees an addition in pencil on the note. It reads
‘Me too.’
1. Find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. Find a woman that makes good money.
3. Find a woman that like hot sex.
4. And the important point never let these three women meet.
A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” the husband asks.
After some thought, the wife replies, “I’ll probably look for a house share with three other single women. It might fun to share with women a little younger than myself, as I’ve always been so active.”
“What will you do if I die first?” the wife asks.
We a cheeky smile the husband replies, “Probably the same.”
A couple have eight daughters and desperately want a son. On their ninth attempt they
are finally blessed with a boy. They are so overjoyed that they invite all their friends to
a lavish party to celebrate the birth. While the party is in full swing one of the guests
approaches the father to congratulate him. “So tell me,” he says, “who does your little
boy take after? Does he look like you, or his mum?” The father thinks for a while and
says, “Well, to be honest, I don't know. We haven’t looked at his face yet!”
Wives from North:
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south India until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "Walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.
12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"
13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.
Wives from South:
1. Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras or Anna University .
2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
8. When she mixes milk - curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.
9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.
10. She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.
11. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
12. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
13. She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie.
14. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
15. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it.
16. Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
17. She is more educated than you.
18. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
17. Your friends love you anyway.
18. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
A reporter is walking along the prom at seaside resort. He’s doing a piece on the aggressive behaviour of the sea gulls and is trying to get comments from a cross section of local people. Suddenly is he sees a punk rocker, decides to ask his opinion,
“Excuse me sir, what he would do if a bird crapped your his head?” asks the reporter.
“Hum”, says the punk as he thinks for a moment, “Well I certainly wouldn’t take her out again!”
The early bird still has to eat worms.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
A truck driver looses control of his vehicle and smashes straight into an empty tollbooth. He climbs down from his cab to survey the wreckage and sees that the booth is completely in bits. A couple of minutes latter a van pulls up with a clean up crew.
The workers pick up the tollbooth pieces, spread a creamy white substance on then and then begin fitting them together. In less than an hour they have the tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" says the truck driver to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief replies, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late. “Finally, I’m here” says the guy that’s arriving.
"What kept you?" asks his pal.
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No” he replies “the kid had it under his coat."
• Divorce is often on religious grounds. The wife thinks she’s God and you don’t!
• If you think you’ve got a handle on life, be careful it doesn’t brake!
• The definition of consciousness is the annoying times between naps and drinks.
• Remember Rehab is for Quitters.
• FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
• To discourage inbreeding so playing Country Music!
• HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken a lifetime commitment for a pig.
• All generalizations are false
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• Real women don't have hot flashes. They have power surges.
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• I have the body of a god: Buddha
• Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side, a dark side and it binds the Universe together
• If the Universe is expanding, why the hell can't I find a parking space?
• Never hit a man with glasses-use your fist!
• Trespassers will be shot and survivors will be shot again!
• Death to all fanatics!!
• A pessimist is never disappointed
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which did you do
The government have decided that young women are not getting the message on excessive drinking. So a special think tank hove come up with some new message that will shortly be appearing on alcohol contains.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
A guy’s walks down the street when a strong gust of wind blows his hat off.
When he finally catches up with it a dog is chewing it. So the guy complains to the owner, “Look at that!”
“What?” the owner replies.
"Hey! I don't like your attitude!" says the guy scowling.
"It's not my 'at 'e chewed, mate. It' yours!"
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
A Day At The Beach By C. Side
A Large Arsehole By Hugh Janus
A Visit To The Dentist By Lord Howitt-Hertz
Anal Passage By R. Sole
At The Barber's Shop By Shaun Head
Baby's Revenge By Nora Tittov
Beatiful Babe From Newcastle-Upon-Tyne By Bonny Lass
Beside The Seaside By C. Shaw
Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.1 By Amos Quito
Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.2 By Anne Othamosquito
Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.3 By Andy Nuthamosquito
Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.4 By Yetta Nuthamosquito
Blowing Up Buildings By D. Molition
Brainless By M. T. Head
Breaking The Ice By P. Kaxx
Breakfast Recipes By Egon Toast
Breast Feeding By Nora Tittov
Brick Laying By C. Ment
Brown Spots On the Wall By Hu Fling Pu
Call The Plumber By Ivor Leak
Cannibalism By Henrietta Mann
Caring For Parrots By L. O. Polly
Cookery For Beginners By Egon Chips
Death On The Cliff's Edge By Eileen Dover
Defrosting Cattle By Thora Herd
Designing Placards By Bill Poster
Does My Bum Look Big? By Hugh Janus
Driving A Taxi By Minnie Cabb
End Of Term By C. Myra Port
Evacuate The Building By Rufus Falling
Faeces In The Carpet By Drew P. Draws
Fashion Of The 1960's By Minnie Skirt
Fat Bottomed Girls By Hugh Janus
Feed Your Dog Correctly By Nora Bone
First In The Form By Hedda De Classe
Fooling Around By Joe King
Forest Freedom By Lucinda Woods
Fun With Your Friends By Joe Kerr
Garden Full Of Weeds? By Dan D. Lyon
Give To The Poor By Rob Deritch
Golden Waterfall By I. P. Standing
Harbouring A Chinese Fugitive By Hu Yu Hai Ding
Hernia On The Yangtze By Won Hung Low
Hole In The Mattress By Mr. Completely
Home Haircutting By Shaun Head
How To Boast Successfully Vol.1 By Ivor Biggun
Two words which when combined that don't make sense, or
contradict each other.
Act Naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline Food
Almost Exactly
Alone Together
Business Ethics
Butt Head
Christian Scientists
Classic Rock
Clearly Misunderstood
Computer Security
Definite maybe
Diet Ice-Cream
Exact Estimate
Extinct Life
Found Missing
Fresh Frozen
Funny Business
Genuine Imitation
Good Grief
Government Organisation
Jumbo Shrimp
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Military Intelligence
New Classic
"Now, Then ..."
Passive Aggression
Peace Force
Plastic Glasses
Plastic Silverware
Political Science
Pop Art
Pretty Ugly
Same Difference
Silent Scream
Small Crowd
Smart Ass
Soft rock
Sweet Sorrow
Taped Live
Terribly Pleased
Working Vacation
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While drinking he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. After ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the guy’s and whispers, “Wow, that's a really smart dog!”
The man whispers back, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags
his tail!"
| What you say | What you mean |
| I love it when you wear that outfit. | No matter how many times you ask me, I won't tell you that those pants make your ass look fat. |
| I don't need the biggest engagement ring in the store. | I just need a bigger engagement ring than the ones all my friends got. |
| Your eyes are so hypnotic. | I can't make eye contact with you while I am lying about shagging my secretary. |
| Well, I usually don't bring a guy home on the first date. | If you buy me the veal, I'll let you touch my tits. |
| Did you feel the Earth move last night? | Did you notice me farting while you were sleeping? |
| It hurts me when you go out of town on business. | My other boyfriend is into hardcore S&M. |
A guy goes on a quiz show and during the preamble the host asks him,
“So John how would you describe yourself?”
"I'm a man of few words." John replies.
"Yeah, I'm married, too." Says the quiz host.
Tony Blair wanders into a shop in London’s Chinatown. Looking through the display he discovers a bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting he asks the shop owner how much.
“Twenty pounds for the rat,” says the shop owner, “and a hundred more if you want the story that goes with it.”
“I’ll just take the rat,” replies the Tony. And with that he leaves the store.
As he crosses the street two live rats emerge from a drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are on his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a jog as rats swarm from sewers and basements and run after him. Shortly, Rats by the thousand are at his heels, and as he sees the
River Thames, he panics and starts to run full tilt. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamppost. Grasping the post with one arm he hurls the bronze rat into the River. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of Rats surges over the embankment and into the Thames where they drown.
Shaken, he makes his way back to the shop.
“Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.
“Nope,” says the Tony, “I was wondering if you’ve a bronze statue of an asylum seeker.”
A young substitute teacher asks her class,
“If three birds are sitting on a telephone wire and a farmer shoots one.
How many are left?”
“Please, Miss,” says little Johnny, “None.”
“How do you work that out, Johnny?” asks the teacher.
“Well miss, the noise of the gun would scare the other two away!”
“No,” says the teacher, “the answer is two. But I like the way you think.”
During the lunch break little Johnny asks the teacher,
“Three women are sitting on a park bench, one eating an apple, one drinking a can of Coke, and one sucking a lollipop. Which one isn’t married?”
The teach shrugs and says, “The one sucking the lollipop?”
“No,” says Johnny, “The one without a wedding ring. But I like the way you think!”
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It’s for my husband,” she tells the assistant.
“Do you what gauge he wants?” asks the assistant.
“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”
Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, “How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?”
“I’m the class of 2003. I just graduated from Harvard and I’m very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!”
The driver shakes the young man’s hand and replies,
“Congratulations young man. I’m George, Class of 1988.”
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
A customer is continually bothering a waiter in a restaurant. First he asks for the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asks for it be turned down because its too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter is very patient, walking back and forth and never getting angry. So finally, a second customer asks, “Hey, why don't you just throw out that pest?” "Oh, I don't mind," says the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
This is a genuine psychological! See how you do …
It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy that she didn’t know. She thought this guy was amazing. A real dream guy, so much she that she fell in love with him at first sight. But so forgot to get his number and could not find him. A few days later the girl killed her own sister!
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down. NO CHEATING!
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Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at her sister funeral.
If you answered the question correctly be afraid! Be very afraid, you think like a
psychopath!
An American psychologist developed the test. It was used to see who has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this research and gave the
same answer as you!
If you answered the question incorrectly, well good for you. Your friends have hit the
jackpot a sane stable individual for a friend.
The lion is complaining a tiger about his losses at poker.
"What do you expect," says the tiger. "You were playing a cheetah."
Read the sentence below:
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count the F`s in that sentence. Count them only once
Answer:
There are six F`s in the sentence.
A person of average intelligence finds three of them.
If you spotted four, you`re above average.
If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.
If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"`s.
The human brain tends to see them as V`s and not F`s.
A boy opens an old family Bible and looks with fascination at the pages as he turns them. Suddenly, something falls out of the Bible. He picks it up and looks at it closely. It’s an old tree leaf that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mum, look what I found," the shouts boy.
"What is it, dear?" his mother asks.
"I think it's Adam's underpants!"
A middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
Teacher: Little Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say, “I am.”
Johnny: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
A guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve hour day and collapses in bed. He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, woman lying next to you?"
He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"
The Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in the Office!
1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."
2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management
course you sent me to."
4. "I was working smarter, not harder."
5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm!"
7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at
the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
13. "The coffee machine is broke...."
14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. Next, I watch the Walton's."
18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."
20. "I thought you [boss] were gone for the day."
Future Worlds Customer Care Services
[When There are able to get every information of you from there System]
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Customer: [Faints]
World's Smallest Resignation Letter
--------------------------------------------
Boss,
I Love Your Wife.
Yours Faithfully
(Your Signature)
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