Guiding principles for life

• Divorce is often on religious grounds. The wife thinks she’s God and you don’t!
• If you think you’ve got a handle on life, be careful it doesn’t brake!
• The definition of consciousness is the annoying times between naps and drinks.
• Remember Rehab is for Quitters.
• FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
• To discourage inbreeding so playing Country Music!
• HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken a lifetime commitment for a pig.
• All generalizations are false
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• Real women don't have hot flashes. They have power surges.
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• I have the body of a god: Buddha
• Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side, a dark side and it binds the Universe together
• If the Universe is expanding, why the hell can't I find a parking space?
• Never hit a man with glasses-use your fist!
• Trespassers will be shot and survivors will be shot again!
• Death to all fanatics!!
• A pessimist is never disappointed
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which did you do