What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Do you really believe in people?
What patriotic song do ghosts like best?
America the Boo-tiful!
What fairy tale do all ghosts like best?
Sleeping Boo-ty!
What happens on Broadway when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright!
What would you call the expression on the face of a poker-playing ghost?
Deadpan!
Why did the ghosts put a fence around the cemetery?
People were dying to get in!
What day of the week do ghosts look forward to?
Moanday!
Why don't ghosts go out in the rain?
It dampens their spirits!
What did the mother ghost say when the little ghosts got into the car?
"Boo-kle up your sheet-belts!"
What does a little ghost call his mother and father?
His trans-parents!
What kind of ghost haunts skyscrapers?
High spirits!
A guy is staying at a hotel in Torquay and he orders a salad for dinner.
When it arrives all the leaves are limp and rotten. So he turns to the waiter and says, “This salad is off. Just look at the herbs, the Basil’s Faulty!”
Mr Rabbit is walking along the road when he spots a crow at the top of a very tall tree. “Good morning Mr Crow.” He shouts. “What are you doing today?” Mr Crow replies,
“Absolutely nothing Mr Rabbit and loving every minute of it!”
“That sounds pretty good Mr Crow. Do you think I could do that?” asks the Rabbit.
“I don’t see why not!” shouts back the Crow.
So, Mr Rabbit lies on the grass at the side of the road and begins doing absolutely nothing.
Half an hour later a fox sees Mr Rabbit and eats him!
Moral: You can get away with ‘Doing Absolutely Nothing,’ but only if you are at the top of the tree.
Tarzan and Jane are walking in the Jungle when suddenly Tarzan notices a boat being attacked by a crocodile. Tarzan runs to the river, jumps into the water and wrestles the crocodile until it lets go of the boat.
Unfortunately, in the struggle Tarzan Loin cloth is ripped off. When he leaves the water Jane sees his 20-inch penis.
“Why Tarzan your penis!” she exclaims.
Seeing the shock on Jane’s face Tarzan replies, “Jane no worry. It always shrinks in cold water.”
A guy goes to the DHSS to apply for a pension. The woman behind the counter asks him, “Have you got proof of your age?”
“No, I’ve left my wallet at home.” Says the guy.
“OK. Unbutton your shirt.” Says the woman. So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. “The silver hair on your chest is proof enough,” and she processes his claim. When the guy gets home he excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the DHSS office.
“God dam” says the wife, “Didn’t you dropped your pants as well? You might have got disability!”
An Evil king captured a beautiful girl. He forced her to wear a shabby dress and sit in a tower. She waited day and night with the hope that a prince would come and free her. But he never came. Eventually, she cried in distress and the evil king laughed, “See, No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress!”
A railway work is lying on the floor in a station clutching his guts. He’s rolling about in terrible pain and groaning, “Are you alright?” asks a passenger.
“O Arrh, I’ll be OK in a few minutes,” says the worker.
“What’s wrong?” asks the passenger.
“Well,” says the worker, “I’m busting for a shit, but I don’t start work for another 10 minutes.”
A little boy is doing his math homework and while he’s working out his sums he says to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...”
His mother hears what he’s saying and gasps, “What are you doing?”
“I’m doing my maths homework.” The boy replies.
“And is this how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asks.
“Yes,” he answers.
Infuriated, the next day the mother asks the teacher, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
“He’s learning addition.” The teacher replies.
“And are you teaching him to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” Ask the mother?
After the teacher stops laughing, she answers, “No. No. What I taught him was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”
An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is leaking loads of blood.
Eventually a medic turns up and asks, “Can you hear me?”
“Yes” replies the girl.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharon” she splutters.
“OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?”
With a slight cough she replies, “Romford mate.”
A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant is a bit bemused and explains, “We don't sell bottom deodorant and never have.” The blonde replies, “I’ve been buying the stuff from this shore on a regular basis and I’d like some more.”
“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the assistant.
“Sure” Says the blonde pulling it from her handbag and handing it over.
“This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”
Annoyed blonde snatches the container back, and reads out loud from the container instructions, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A guy complains to a mate, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What's wrong?” his pal asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend chuckles.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll say ‘I still remember that time when you…’”
A guy buys some shiny shoes and notices that when he stands near a girl he can see up their skirt! So on Saturday night he goes to the local dance. When his girlfriend arrives he says, “You’re wearing blue knickers tonight.”
“Yes,” she says a bit surprised. “How did you know?” He explains her about the shinny shoes. With a mischievous look she says, “Why don’t you check my sister?”
The guy goes to ask for a dance, but when he gets up close he staggers back in shock and has to take a seat.
“Well,” says his smirking girlfriend, “I see you’ve noticed that my sister doesn’t wear knickers!”
“Thank go for that,” replies the young man, “For a minute there, I thought one of my shoes had a crack in it!”
A guy drinks six beers and when he’s finished the sixth the doorbell rings. As he opens the door a 6-foot cockroach grabs him and throws him across the hallway.
The next night after four beers, the doorbell rings. It’s the 6-foot cockroach again. It punches him in the stomach and walks away.
The next night the guy has just two beers when the doorbell rings. He slowly opens the door and sees the giant roach. It knees him in the groin and elbows him in the back of the head. While he’s doubled up in pain the roach walks away.
Battered and bruised the guy goes to the doctors for a check up. “What can I do, Doc?” he asks.
The doctor replies, “Nothing pal. It’s just a nasty bug that’s going around.”
Two Professors of English, One American and One British are talking. The American Professor says, “You know if Uncle Sam hadn’t helped in the Second World War you’d be speaking German.”
To which the British Professor replies, “May be. And if the French hadn’t helped you during the American War of Independence you’d still be speaking English.”
• If you’re choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and Hey presto! The blockage is instantly dissolved.
• Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them for you!
• Ladies don’t buy a vibrator make own inexpensive version using an empty aluminium cigar tub filled with angry wasps.
• Don't buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before using it.
• Have hours of endless fun by putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl. It makes the their eyes bulge and causes them to swim like crazy.
• Gentlemen avoid long running arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat, by simply pissing in the sink.
• Got High blood pressure? Sufferers of this common complain can simply cure themselves by slashing their wrists and bleed for a while. This great method quickly reduces the pressure in your veins!
• Have trouble getting up in the morning? A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep!
Did you hear about the World Health Organization’s new publicity campaign?
Apparently they’ve chosen the slogan, “WHO Cares”
In a second campaign specific to African farm sanitation. They’re delivering 20 million
tons of clean fertilizer and using the slogan “WHO Gives A Shit!”
An old couple are getting ready for bed. The man gets in bed as usually but the wife lies on the floor. The old man asks, “Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The wife replies, "Because I’d like to feel something hard for a change.”
A young lady goes to a dance wearing a low-cut dress. Around her neck she’s wearing a gold airplane charm on a long chain. While she’s dancing she notices a young man staring at her. In her embarrassment, she holds up the airplane charm and says, “Like my airplane, huh?”
The young man smiles mischievously. “No. I was just admiring the landing strip.”
A young couple go on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting to impress his new bride with his knowledge of foreign affairs, the husband asks, “What do you think about the Middle East position?” His wife thinks for a moment and then replies, “I don't know, have we tried that one yet?”
