English Hotels

A guy is staying at a hotel in Torquay and he orders a salad for dinner.
When it arrives all the leaves are limp and rotten. So he turns to the waiter and says, “This salad is off. Just look at the herbs, the Basil’s Faulty!”

Railway worker

A railway work is lying on the floor in a station clutching his guts. He’s rolling about in terrible pain and groaning, “Are you alright?” asks a passenger.
“O Arrh, I’ll be OK in a few minutes,” says the worker.
“What’s wrong?” asks the passenger.
“Well,” says the worker, “I’m busting for a shit, but I don’t start work for another 10 minutes.”

Essex girl

An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is leaking loads of blood.
Eventually a medic turns up and asks, “Can you hear me?”
“Yes” replies the girl.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharon” she splutters.
“OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?”
With a slight cough she replies, “Romford mate.”

Historical

A guy complains to a mate, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What's wrong?” his pal asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend chuckles.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll say ‘I still remember that time when you…’”

World Health Organization

Did you hear about the World Health Organization’s new publicity campaign?
Apparently they’ve chosen the slogan, “WHO Cares”
In a second campaign specific to African farm sanitation. They’re delivering 20 million
tons of clean fertilizer and using the slogan “WHO Gives A Shit!”

Old couple

An old couple are getting ready for bed. The man gets in bed as usually but the wife lies on the floor. The old man asks, “Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The wife replies, "Because I’d like to feel something hard for a change.”

Airplane charm

A young lady goes to a dance wearing a low-cut dress. Around her neck she’s wearing a gold airplane charm on a long chain. While she’s dancing she notices a young man staring at her. In her embarrassment, she holds up the airplane charm and says, “Like my airplane, huh?”
The young man smiles mischievously. “No. I was just admiring the landing strip.”

The Middle East

A young couple go on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting to impress his new bride with his knowledge of foreign affairs, the husband asks, “What do you think about the Middle East position?” His wife thinks for a moment and then replies, “I don't know, have we tried that one yet?”

The maid

A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maid takes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.
“What’s this for?” asks her former employer.
“Its for your dog.” Replies the maid. “He’s been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!”

Answering Machine Messages

• My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
• A is for academics - B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.
• Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
• Hi. Now you say something.
• Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
• Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
• Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call sooner!
• Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

T-shirt slogans

• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• I work hard because: Millions on the dole depend on me!
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
• I took an IQ test: and the results were Negative.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.

Three surgeons

Three surgeons are discussing the best type of patient to operate on. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table. As when I open them up I can do everything by numbers.”
The second surgeon says, “No, I think librarians are the best patients. When you open them up you can do everything alphabetical order.”
But the third surgeon says, “No, No the French are the best patients to operate on. When you open them up you’ll find, there’s no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.”

The Elevator

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Smith became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Smith, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”
Bewildered, Mr. Smith was halfway to the car park with his wife when he choked, “I...I...didn't pinch that girl.”
“Of course you didn’t” his wife replied consolingly. “I did!”

Hot Soup Idea

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders some soup. It takes a while before the soup to arrive and when it does it’s too hot. While waiting for the soup to cool, the guy needs to go to the bathroom. But before he leaves the table he thinks,
‘While I’m in the bathroom, somebody might eat the soup. What can I do?’ He has this flash of insight, and he pulls out of his pocket a pen and paper. He writes, ‘I’ve spat into the soup!’
After putting the note next to the soup, our clever guy runs quickly to the bathroom.
But horror, when he returns, he sees an addition in pencil on the note. It reads
‘Me too.’

Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. Find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. Find a woman that makes good money.
3. Find a woman that like hot sex.
4. And the important point never let these three women meet.

Retired Couple

A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” the husband asks.
After some thought, the wife replies, “I’ll probably look for a house share with three other single women. It might fun to share with women a little younger than myself, as I’ve always been so active.”
“What will you do if I die first?” the wife asks.
We a cheeky smile the husband replies, “Probably the same.”

Boy Baby

A couple have eight daughters and desperately want a son. On their ninth attempt they
are finally blessed with a boy. They are so overjoyed that they invite all their friends to
a lavish party to celebrate the birth. While the party is in full swing one of the guests
approaches the father to congratulate him. “So tell me,” he says, “who does your little
boy take after? Does he look like you, or his mum?” The father thinks for a while and
says, “Well, to be honest, I don't know. We haven’t looked at his face yet!”

The birds

A reporter is walking along the prom at seaside resort. He’s doing a piece on the aggressive behaviour of the sea gulls and is trying to get comments from a cross section of local people. Suddenly is he sees a punk rocker, decides to ask his opinion,
“Excuse me sir, what he would do if a bird crapped your his head?” asks the reporter.
“Hum”, says the punk as he thinks for a moment, “Well I certainly wouldn’t take her out again!”

Thoughts on Life

The early bird still has to eat worms.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Two attorneys

Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late. “Finally, I’m here” says the guy that’s arriving.
"What kept you?" asks his pal.
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No” he replies “the kid had it under his coat."