“Mrs Jones, Every day this week I’ve seen your husband out running with a Violin chasing him. What’s going on?”
“O it was his fortieth birthday on Monday and ever since he’s been trying to prove to himself that he’s still fit as a fiddle.”
A Japanese tourist hails a taxi at Heathrow Airport London and asks to be taken across London to the city.
On the way the tourist sees a Toyota car and shouts,
“Oh! TOYOTA! Made in Japan. Very fast.”
Next he sees a Nissan car and shouts,
“Oh! NISSAN! Made in Japan. Very fast.”
Next he sees a Mitsubishi car and shouts,
“Oh! MITSUBISHI! Made in Japan. Very fast.”
Well the London cap driver is getting a little miffed that so many Japanese made cars are passing his 100% British London cab. So he finally gets to the city stops, he’s feeling glad that he’ll soon be seeing
the back of the guy. He points at the meter and says,
“That’ll be 100 pounds please mate.”
“100 pounds, but it was a very short a ride! Why so much?”
“Taxi Meter,” says the cabby, “Made in Japan. Very fast!”
A young couple with an economy carton of condoms have wild sex together. When they’ve finished, the girl discovers that there were only six condoms remaining in the pack of twelve.
“What happened to the other five condoms?” she asks her boyfriend.
Nervously he replies, “I masturbated with them.”
Later that day she approaches a male friend and tells him the story.
“Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he reassures her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom on?”
“Oh,” replies her male friend, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied.”
Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom toms beating very close by.
“Oh! That doesn’t sound good,” says one cowboy to his pal.
As soon as the words are spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and says, “Yeah well, our regular drummer is off sick.”
A guy finds a bottle on a beach and after a few rubs out pops a genie in a puff of smoke.
“I’m the genie of the bottle and I can grant you two wishes, what’ll it be?”
“Two wishes, eh? Well I want to be hard and get all the ass I want.” He replies.
“Your wish is my command,” says the genie as he turns the guy into a plastic toilet seat.
Little Johnny goes trick or treating at Halloween dressed as a pirate.
He knocks at Mrs Smith’s door and when she opens it and sees him she looks around in mock terror.
“Captain Johnny!” she says, “Where are your buccaneers?”
“Under me F**king hat!” he replies.
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what’s wrong, they say "nothing"
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. They always turn simple statements into big problems.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild!
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter!
A forty-something woman is jumping up and down on the bed and singing happily. Her husband watches her for a while then says,
“Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
The woman continues to bounce.
“I don't care,” she says. “I just got back from the doctor’s and he says I have the breasts of an 18yr old girl.”
“Oh really?” says the husband. “And what did he say about your 40yr old twat?”
“I'm sorry,” says the woman, “you’re name didn’t come up!”
A man and his wife get into bed for the night. The wife curls up ready for sleep and the husband puts his bedside lamp on to read. While he’s reading, he reaches over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He does this for a short then stops and goes back to reading his book.
Suddenly the wife jumps out of bed and starts stripping in front of him. Confused, the husband asks, “What are doing?”
“You were playing with my pussy,” the wife replies, “I’ve got the hint and I’m stripping for action.”
“O,” says the husband, “You’ve got it all wrong. I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.”
A cop sees a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight.
“Can I help you?” he asks.
“I dropped my diamond ring and I’m looking for it,” she replies.
“Did you drop it right here?”
“Nope,” says the blonde, “but it’s easier looking for it here as the light’s better.”
A boss walks up to his new secretary and asks,
“Linda, do you know the difference between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?”
“No,” she replies.
“Great!” he says, “Let’s have lunch.”
Fu, Bu and Chu emigrate from China to America. After hearing the trouble people have saying their names they decide to Americanise them.
Bu called himself Buck, Chu called himself Chuck, and Fu goes back to China.
News flash: Doctors in Austria have performed the worlds first successful tongue transplant. Just hours after this pioneering surgery, the patient was awake and able to give his first interview. When asked by a reporter, “How does it feel to have a new tongue?”
He replied, “Wellllllll ifmmnnnn mmmmmm arrrr Bettfffffflllllerr!”
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who
enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so
obsessed with sex?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered, "Think about this...when your ear
itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels
better-your ear or your finger?"
A teacher asks her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favourite bible stories. But when she looks at some of the work she a little puzzled. One Picture shows four people on an airplane. So she asks little Johnny,
“What story is your picture of?”
“The flight to Egypt,” replies Johnny. "I see. And that must be Jesus, Mary and Joseph. But who’s the fourth person?"
“Oh,” replies Johnny, “that’s Pontius - the Pilot!”
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another.
After this and the accompanying small talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.
The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again!
Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dick and an butt full of quarters!
Customer: "Do you have any cockroaches?"
Clerk: "Yes, we sell them to the fisherman."
Customer: "I would like 20,000 of them."
Clerk: "What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?"
Customer: "I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it."
"Mom," said the little boy, in from playing. "I think the people who live next door are really, really poor?"
"Why do you say that, my little one?"
"Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a penny!"
"Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
"Of course," replies his wife. "But what are you going to live on?"
Two newlyweds are suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advises, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an "R" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday."
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?"
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."
News flash: Scientists say that in 2002 five times more money was spent on breast implants and Vagria than on Alzheimer’s research. If this trend continues, they say that by 2030 there will be an epidemic of people with huge breasts and erections that can’t remember what to do with them.
A guy goes to a recruitment agency in Glasgow and asks,
“How you got any good jobs?”
“Sure,” replies the interviewer, “I’ve got an excellent job working in a strip club. You’d have to help the girls undress and put on their costumes. You’d also have to oil them and stuff like that.”
“Sounds great,” says the guy.
“Fantastic, can you get to London’s Soho by 9.00am tomorrow?”
“Why,” asks the guy, “is that where the job is?”
“No, that’s where the line starts.”
Little Johnnie asks his mother, “Mum, where does all of my intelligence come from?”
“Hum,” says his mum, “I think you must have got it form your father because I still got mine!”
1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
8. "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."
9. "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away."
10. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
Leave in a pile
Walk naked to the bathroom
If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making woo hoo sound
Look at manly physique in the mirror
Admire size of your knob and scratch your ass
Get in the shower
Wash your face
Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in shower
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
Wash you butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap
Shampoo hair
Make shampoo mohawk
Pee
Rinse off and get out of shower
Partially dry off
Fail to notice water on floor
Admire knob size in mirror again
Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on floor, leave light and fan on
Return to bedroom with towel around waist
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo hoo noise again
Throw wet towel on bed.
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit ups.
Get in shower
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower
Dry with towel the size of small country
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas
A husband gets a phone call from the hospital saying that his wife has been involved in a car accident and she's in a coma.
He rushes to the hospital to be by her bedside and there he remains for over a week while the doctors are giving up hope but after being there for so long he was getting rather frisky so waits for the doctor to finish his checks and leave the room and his slips his hand under the covers and strokes his wife's leg when he thinks he sees her finger twitch. So he strokes her inner thigh moving upwards and he hears his wife moan. He rushes out of the room yelling for the doctor and tells him that what happened. The doctor takes him aside and suggests that if he tries oral sex, it may be bring his wife round and that he'll keep everyone out of the room so they can have some privacy. The husband excitedly goes into his wife's room and the doctors and nurses wait patiently outside in the corridor.
A few minutes later the guy comes out looking pale, the doctor says
"What's the matter?"
"She's dead"
"Well didn't you do as I suggested?"
"Yes Doctor but she choked!"
Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid
• A few clowns short of a circus
• A few fries short of a Happy Meal
• A few beers short of six-pack
• A few peas short of a casserole
• The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
• A few feathers short of a whole duck
• All foam, no beer
• Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
• Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
• Too much yardage between the goalposts
• Leads the pack in nostril hair growth
• Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
• Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
• No grain in the silo
• Receiver is off the hook
• He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
Circle: A knight that likes culling.
Circumspect: A knight who makes love in secret.
Fertile: Hairy floor covering.
Gentile: Peaceful floor covering.
Hostile: Aggressive floor covering.
Sirloin: Another sexual knight.
Surface: Knight who is rather good looking.
Surmount: A Knight its best to keep in front of you.
Surpass: Another mountain knight.
Surplus: A Mathematical knight in the order of Algebra.
Surround: Fat knight.
Admit: Put on a glove.
Advent: We need more ventilation.
Congest: A group of prisoners having a laugh.
Conquest: A group of prisoners playing hide and seek.
Remit: Put on your glove back on again.
Request: To go on a second adventure.
Submit: Throw the glove in the ocean.
Summit: Add all the gloves together.
Caesarean section: A district in Rome.
Dilate: To live long.
Protein: In favour of young people.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Organic: Musical.
Negligent: what a transvestite wears.
Transvestite: When you get hypnotized to believe your three-piece suit is too small.
Hypnotized: a really cool person witnessed you sign something.
Fascinate: when you swallow a button or a zipper.
Prefer: State of a very young kitten whose fur hasn't grown yet.
Defer: What grows on de cat.
Refer: To grow hair again.
A guy orders a part No. 669 from an electronics factory. But when he receives it he notices that they’ve sent part No. 699.
Furious, he promptly sends it back along with a letter asking for the right part.
A week later, he receives the same part back with a letter containing just four words, “TURN THE PART OVER.”
Three vampires walk into a bar and the waitress asks, “What’ll it be boys?”
“I’ll have a glass of O Positive,” says the first vampire.
“AB Negative for me,” says the second.
“I’m the designated driver,” says the third, “So I’ll just have a glass of plasma.”
The waitress turns to the bartender and yells, “Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!”
A Doctor asks his patient, “Do you like to drink, smoke, and play around with women?”
“Yes," replies the patient.
“You should abstain.” Says the Doc. “And do you like eat steak chips?”
“Yes,” says the patient.
“You should cut back and only do it with moderation,” says the doc.
“If I do all that will I live longer?” asks the patient.
“Nope,” replies the doc “but it’ll seem a lot longer.”
Little Billy was in his Nursery class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman. Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and he takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the a*se.”
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in and took little Billy aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
“No,” said Billy, “he really plays for Sunderland, but I was too embarrassed to say.”
A cheeky fireman reaches a third story window with his ladder. When he looks in the window he sees a beautiful young blonde in a negligee.
“Don’t be afraid,” says the fireman “I’ve saved lots of pregnant woman.”
“I’m not pregnant!" shouts the girl.
“Yea, And you’re not saved yet.” Replies the fireman.
Little Johnny a student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anythingto do with girls. They say he could easily kill someone it so large. Through the grapevine,
his teacher learns about his unusual size. She keeps him behind after school and
suggests they have sex. He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and
scoffs at the idea and says she will go on top. Johnny reluctantly agrees. The teacher
experiences such wonderful sensations that she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's
killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing,
"Oh my God! I’ve killed her! I’ve killed her!" All at once he stops in his tracks, and look of
dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says,
"Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. The dumb bitch committed suicide!"
A blonde woman was driving down the highway when her car broke down. She pulled to the side of the road, got out and opened the trunk of her car.
Two men dressed in trench coats got out of her trunk. They faced the oncoming traffic and proceeded to bare their nude bodies to the other drivers.
A cop drives up and asks the blonde, "What the hell is going on here?"
She tells him, "Well officer, my car broke down."
He says, "Miss, I can see that, but why are these two men exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic?"
She says, "I didn't want to cause an accident, so I'm using my emergency flashers!"
A Traffic cop stops a guy for speeding.
"I've been waiting all day for you," says the cop.
The guy replies, "Well I’ve got here as fast as I can."
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey, if I lie I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible."
His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but..."
"But, what?"
"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed."
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so?"
Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away."
Late one night at an insane asylum an inmate shouts, “I’m Napoleon!”
His pal says, “How do you know?”
“God told me!” replies Napoleon.
A voice from across the room shout back, “No I Bloody didn’t!”
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible, when he asked,
"Which service? The 8:30 or the 11:00?"
An Oxford Anthropologist is reading an old book about Africa when he finds an astonishing statement. “The women of one central African tribe had vaginas 4 inches wide and 10 inches deep.” Amazed and determined to check the claim he immediately flies to Africa.
After months trekking through the jungle he finds the tribe and has a private meeting with the chief.
“I’ve heard that the women in your tribe have vaginas 4 inches wide and 10 inches deep. Is it true?”
“Dat's right!" replies the chief with a puzzled look.
“But… But how can you possibly have sex with a woman who has a vagina that size?” asks professor.
“Dat’s no problem!” says the chief, “Dey stretch, dey stretch!”
If a man is alone in the forest and makes a statement and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Yet more criticism for the American administration in Baghdad today. Apparently the pigeons are extremely angry. They say since all the statues have been removed and they’ve got nowhere to crap.
A guy goes to a country fair with his wife and they start looking at the livestock. The first display is all the bulls. The first bull has a sign that says,
“This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says,
“50 times last year. You could learn from that.”
The next bull has a sign that says,
“This bull mated 65 times last year.” Again the wife says,
“65 times in a year. You could learn from this one as well.” The next bull has a sign that says, “This bull mated 365 times last year.”
“Wow!” says the wife, “365 times last year. That’s every day. You really could learn from this one.”
The man turns to his wife and says, “Why don’t you go and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
Rick and Adam are having a sleep over. Rick says to Adam, "I'm going to stay up late so I fall asleep in Sunday school tomorrow."
Sure enough the next day Rick falls asleep in Sunday school. The Sunday school teacher asks,
"Who is our Lord and savoir?" So Adam pokes Rick with his pencil and Rick shouts,
"OH MY GOD!" The teacher says,
"Nice Job Rick!"
Next she asks,
"Who died on the cross for us?" So Adam pokes Rick with his pencil and Rick exclaims, "JESUS CHRIST!"
"Good!" says the teacher.
Next the teacher asks,
"What did Eve say to Adam after they had all their children?" Again, Adam pokes Rick with the pencil and Rick screams,
"Adam, if you poke me with that thing one more time I'm break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them: "The first one who can use the words liver and cheese together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish, said the Poodle. That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my, " said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says: "How about you?"
The last of the three is a handsome exiled Cuban dog. He gives her a big smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, in broken English,
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
A couple go on a fishing trip. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn, while the wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Seeing the boat the wife decided to take a short trip boat. She rowed out a distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Then along came the sheriff in his boat.
He pulled up alongside her and said,
"Good morning, Madam. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied,
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write this up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," she snapped the irately.
"But, I haven't even touched you," said the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent," says the bartender.
"One cent!?" exclaimed the guy.
The bartender replied, "Yes, One cent"
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks calls at a house. When a woman answers
and before she can say anything, he dumps a pile of mud her carpet.
"Lady," he says, “if this cleaner does don't remove all that mud, I'll eat what’s left!"
The woman replies, "Do you want ketchup on that?"
Stunned the salesman asks, "What do you mean?"
“Well,” says the woman, "We’ve just had a power cut."
A guy walks into a bar asks for a beer.
"Certainly, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
"Yes. That’s right," says the barman. So the guy glances over at the menu.
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips?"
"Sure," replies the barman, "but that’ll cost."
"How much?" asks the guy.
"4 cents", replies barman.
"FOUR CENTS!!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the owner of this place?"
"Upstairs with my wife," replies the barman.
"What's he doing with your wife?" ask the guy.
"O, Same thing I'm doing to his business."
A coroner was working late one night. It was his job to examine the bodies before they were be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:
Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the coroner, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. "And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
A school class are writing projects on their families. Little John is having trouble with his so the teacher helps him with a few questions.
"What's your father's occupation?" asks the teacher.
"He's a magician," says boy.
"How exciting. What's his best trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Very impressive! And do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yea,” says John, “I’ve one half brother and one half sister."
An IRS agent is questioning a New York sandwich deli owner about his tax return. The owner has reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” says the deli owner. “I work like a dog. Everyone in my family helps out. This place is only closed for three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?”
“It’s not your income that bothers us,” says the agent. “It’s these travel deductions. You’ve listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife.”
“Oh, that,” says the owner smiling. “It’s a legitimate business expense, we also deliver.”
Two weevils grow up in England. One gets the boat to America and becomes a famous actor. The other stays in England and doesn’t amount to much. The second one becomes known to his pals as the lesser of two weevils.
A western guy goes up to an Chinese girl, hands her a table tennis ball and says, “I want you to show me how hot you are with this.”
The girl immediately lies on the floor, pulls down her knickers and pops the ball into her pussy. After composing herself, she quickly coughs and fires the ball across the room.
“Bloody hell that’s amazing,” says the guy, “But, perhaps I should introduce myself, I’m the new table tennis coach.”
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?
Apparently people were confused about which side to spit on.
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his head. Naturally the doctor asks, “What happened?”
“Well, it was like this,” says the man, “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field full of cows. While we were looking for it and I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. So, I walked over and lifted up the tail. Stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt was my wife’s golf ball.
That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doc.
“I pointed at the cows butt and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
A drunk gets on a night bus and staggers up the aisle. He sits next to a prim elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you pal. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man immediately jumps out of his seat and runs down the aisle. “Stop the bus,” he shouts, “If its going to be warm I’ll I need to buy some shorts.”
Three businessmen an American, an English and an Irishman are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there’s a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beeping stops. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my forearm.”
A few minutes later a phone rings. The English man lifts his palm to his ear and begins talking. When he’s finished, he explains, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The Irishman is feeling very low tech and decides he has to do something just as impressive. So he steps out of the sauna and goes to the bathroom. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bum. The others raise their eyebrows and stare at him. Finally the Irishman says, “Would you look at that? I’m getting a fax.”
A middle-aged woman visits her gynaecologist.
“I’ve been have a few problems,” she says, “On Monday I went to the toilet and I heard a plink. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies.” On Tuesday a similar thing happened but the coins were 5 pence pieces. This morning the same thing happened but the coins were 10 pence pieces. What’s wrong with Doctor?”
“Don’t worry,” the gynaecologist replies comfortingly, “You’re simply going through the change.”
The makers of well-known French Mustard have issued the following statement:
“We at ****** wish to put an end to rumours that our product is made in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in England. The only thing that France and our Mustard have in common is that they are both yellow.”
What’s the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic?
A psychotic says, “Two plus two is five.”
A neurotic says, “Two plus two is four, and I can’t stand it.”
Three weeks after her wedding day a woman calls her priest and says, “Father I’ve had a dreadful fight with my husband.”
“Calm down my child,” says the priest, “it’s not as bad as you think. Every marriage has its ups and downs.”
“I know, I know!” says the woman. “But what am I going to do with the body?”
If your partner keeps you awake at night snoring, simply put a few drops of cyanide on their pillow before they go to bed. Its quick simple and you’ll get a peaceful night’s sleep every night.
A guy is staying at a hotel in Torquay and he orders a salad for dinner.
When it arrives all the leaves are limp and rotten. So he turns to the waiter and says, “This salad is off. Just look at the herbs, the Basil’s Faulty!”
Mr Rabbit is walking along the road when he spots a crow at the top of a very tall tree. “Good morning Mr Crow.” He shouts. “What are you doing today?” Mr Crow replies,
“Absolutely nothing Mr Rabbit and loving every minute of it!”
“That sounds pretty good Mr Crow. Do you think I could do that?” asks the Rabbit.
“I don’t see why not!” shouts back the Crow.
So, Mr Rabbit lies on the grass at the side of the road and begins doing absolutely nothing.
Half an hour later a fox sees Mr Rabbit and eats him!
Moral: You can get away with ‘Doing Absolutely Nothing,’ but only if you are at the top of the tree.
Tarzan and Jane are walking in the Jungle when suddenly Tarzan notices a boat being attacked by a crocodile. Tarzan runs to the river, jumps into the water and wrestles the crocodile until it lets go of the boat.
Unfortunately, in the struggle Tarzan Loin cloth is ripped off. When he leaves the water Jane sees his 20-inch penis.
“Why Tarzan your penis!” she exclaims.
Seeing the shock on Jane’s face Tarzan replies, “Jane no worry. It always shrinks in cold water.”
A guy goes to the DHSS to apply for a pension. The woman behind the counter asks him, “Have you got proof of your age?”
“No, I’ve left my wallet at home.” Says the guy.
“OK. Unbutton your shirt.” Says the woman. So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. “The silver hair on your chest is proof enough,” and she processes his claim. When the guy gets home he excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the DHSS office.
“God dam” says the wife, “Didn’t you dropped your pants as well? You might have got disability!”
An Evil king captured a beautiful girl. He forced her to wear a shabby dress and sit in a tower. She waited day and night with the hope that a prince would come and free her. But he never came. Eventually, she cried in distress and the evil king laughed, “See, No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress!”
A railway work is lying on the floor in a station clutching his guts. He’s rolling about in terrible pain and groaning, “Are you alright?” asks a passenger.
“O Arrh, I’ll be OK in a few minutes,” says the worker.
“What’s wrong?” asks the passenger.
“Well,” says the worker, “I’m busting for a shit, but I don’t start work for another 10 minutes.”
A little boy is doing his math homework and while he’s working out his sums he says to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...”
His mother hears what he’s saying and gasps, “What are you doing?”
“I’m doing my maths homework.” The boy replies.
“And is this how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asks.
“Yes,” he answers.
Infuriated, the next day the mother asks the teacher, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
“He’s learning addition.” The teacher replies.
“And are you teaching him to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” Ask the mother?
After the teacher stops laughing, she answers, “No. No. What I taught him was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”
An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is leaking loads of blood.
Eventually a medic turns up and asks, “Can you hear me?”
“Yes” replies the girl.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharon” she splutters.
“OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?”
With a slight cough she replies, “Romford mate.”
A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant is a bit bemused and explains, “We don't sell bottom deodorant and never have.” The blonde replies, “I’ve been buying the stuff from this shore on a regular basis and I’d like some more.”
“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the assistant.
“Sure” Says the blonde pulling it from her handbag and handing it over.
“This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”
Annoyed blonde snatches the container back, and reads out loud from the container instructions, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A guy complains to a mate, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What's wrong?” his pal asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend chuckles.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll say ‘I still remember that time when you…’”
A guy buys some shiny shoes and notices that when he stands near a girl he can see up their skirt! So on Saturday night he goes to the local dance. When his girlfriend arrives he says, “You’re wearing blue knickers tonight.”
“Yes,” she says a bit surprised. “How did you know?” He explains her about the shinny shoes. With a mischievous look she says, “Why don’t you check my sister?”
The guy goes to ask for a dance, but when he gets up close he staggers back in shock and has to take a seat.
“Well,” says his smirking girlfriend, “I see you’ve noticed that my sister doesn’t wear knickers!”
“Thank go for that,” replies the young man, “For a minute there, I thought one of my shoes had a crack in it!”
A guy drinks six beers and when he’s finished the sixth the doorbell rings. As he opens the door a 6-foot cockroach grabs him and throws him across the hallway.
The next night after four beers, the doorbell rings. It’s the 6-foot cockroach again. It punches him in the stomach and walks away.
The next night the guy has just two beers when the doorbell rings. He slowly opens the door and sees the giant roach. It knees him in the groin and elbows him in the back of the head. While he’s doubled up in pain the roach walks away.
Battered and bruised the guy goes to the doctors for a check up. “What can I do, Doc?” he asks.
The doctor replies, “Nothing pal. It’s just a nasty bug that’s going around.”
Two Professors of English, One American and One British are talking. The American Professor says, “You know if Uncle Sam hadn’t helped in the Second World War you’d be speaking German.”
To which the British Professor replies, “May be. And if the French hadn’t helped you during the American War of Independence you’d still be speaking English.”
• If you’re choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and Hey presto! The blockage is instantly dissolved.
• Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them for you!
• Ladies don’t buy a vibrator make own inexpensive version using an empty aluminium cigar tub filled with angry wasps.
• Don't buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before using it.
• Have hours of endless fun by putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl. It makes the their eyes bulge and causes them to swim like crazy.
• Gentlemen avoid long running arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat, by simply pissing in the sink.
• Got High blood pressure? Sufferers of this common complain can simply cure themselves by slashing their wrists and bleed for a while. This great method quickly reduces the pressure in your veins!
• Have trouble getting up in the morning? A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep!
A woman goes to see the doctor and says, “Doc, I’ve got a very embarrassing problem. I was playing with my vibrator last night and I’ve got the whole thing stuck inside me!”
“Don’t worry,” says the doc, “We'll soon get it out of you.”
“Get in out?” says the woman, “I don't want you to get it out. I just want you to change the batteries.”
Did you hear about the World Health Organization’s new publicity campaign?
Apparently they’ve chosen the slogan, “WHO Cares”
In a second campaign specific to African farm sanitation. They’re delivering 20 million
tons of clean fertilizer and using the slogan “WHO Gives A Shit!”
An old couple are getting ready for bed. The man gets in bed as usually but the wife lies on the floor. The old man asks, “Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The wife replies, "Because I’d like to feel something hard for a change.”
A young lady goes to a dance wearing a low-cut dress. Around her neck she’s wearing a gold airplane charm on a long chain. While she’s dancing she notices a young man staring at her. In her embarrassment, she holds up the airplane charm and says, “Like my airplane, huh?”
The young man smiles mischievously. “No. I was just admiring the landing strip.”
A young couple go on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting to impress his new bride with his knowledge of foreign affairs, the husband asks, “What do you think about the Middle East position?” His wife thinks for a moment and then replies, “I don't know, have we tried that one yet?”
A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maid takes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.
“What’s this for?” asks her former employer.
“Its for your dog.” Replies the maid. “He’s been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!”
• My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
• A is for academics - B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.
• Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
• Hi. Now you say something.
• Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
• Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
• Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call sooner!
• Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• I work hard because: Millions on the dole depend on me!
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
• I took an IQ test: and the results were Negative.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.
Three surgeons are discussing the best type of patient to operate on. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table. As when I open them up I can do everything by numbers.”
The second surgeon says, “No, I think librarians are the best patients. When you open them up you can do everything alphabetical order.”
But the third surgeon says, “No, No the French are the best patients to operate on. When you open them up you’ll find, there’s no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.”
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Smith became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Smith, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”
Bewildered, Mr. Smith was halfway to the car park with his wife when he choked, “I...I...didn't pinch that girl.”
“Of course you didn’t” his wife replied consolingly. “I did!”
