“Mrs Jones, Every day this week I’ve seen your husband out running with a Violin chasing him. What’s going on?”
“O it was his fortieth birthday on Monday and ever since he’s been trying to prove to himself that he’s still fit as a fiddle.”
A Japanese tourist hails a taxi at Heathrow Airport London and asks to be taken across London to the city.
On the way the tourist sees a Toyota car and shouts,
“Oh! TOYOTA! Made in Japan. Very fast.”
Next he sees a Nissan car and shouts,
“Oh! NISSAN! Made in Japan. Very fast.”
Next he sees a Mitsubishi car and shouts,
“Oh! MITSUBISHI! Made in Japan. Very fast.”
Well the London cap driver is getting a little miffed that so many Japanese made cars are passing his 100% British London cab. So he finally gets to the city stops, he’s feeling glad that he’ll soon be seeing
the back of the guy. He points at the meter and says,
“That’ll be 100 pounds please mate.”
“100 pounds, but it was a very short a ride! Why so much?”
“Taxi Meter,” says the cabby, “Made in Japan. Very fast!”
A young couple with an economy carton of condoms have wild sex together. When they’ve finished, the girl discovers that there were only six condoms remaining in the pack of twelve.
“What happened to the other five condoms?” she asks her boyfriend.
Nervously he replies, “I masturbated with them.”
Later that day she approaches a male friend and tells him the story.
“Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he reassures her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom on?”
“Oh,” replies her male friend, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied.”
Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom toms beating very close by.
“Oh! That doesn’t sound good,” says one cowboy to his pal.
As soon as the words are spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and says, “Yeah well, our regular drummer is off sick.”
A guy finds a bottle on a beach and after a few rubs out pops a genie in a puff of smoke.
“I’m the genie of the bottle and I can grant you two wishes, what’ll it be?”
“Two wishes, eh? Well I want to be hard and get all the ass I want.” He replies.
“Your wish is my command,” says the genie as he turns the guy into a plastic toilet seat.
Little Johnny goes trick or treating at Halloween dressed as a pirate.
He knocks at Mrs Smith’s door and when she opens it and sees him she looks around in mock terror.
“Captain Johnny!” she says, “Where are your buccaneers?”
“Under me F**king hat!” he replies.
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what’s wrong, they say "nothing"
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. They always turn simple statements into big problems.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild!
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter!
A forty-something woman is jumping up and down on the bed and singing happily. Her husband watches her for a while then says,
“Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
The woman continues to bounce.
“I don't care,” she says. “I just got back from the doctor’s and he says I have the breasts of an 18yr old girl.”
“Oh really?” says the husband. “And what did he say about your 40yr old twat?”
“I'm sorry,” says the woman, “you’re name didn’t come up!”
A man and his wife get into bed for the night. The wife curls up ready for sleep and the husband puts his bedside lamp on to read. While he’s reading, he reaches over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He does this for a short then stops and goes back to reading his book.
Suddenly the wife jumps out of bed and starts stripping in front of him. Confused, the husband asks, “What are doing?”
“You were playing with my pussy,” the wife replies, “I’ve got the hint and I’m stripping for action.”
“O,” says the husband, “You’ve got it all wrong. I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.”
A cop sees a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight.
“Can I help you?” he asks.
“I dropped my diamond ring and I’m looking for it,” she replies.
“Did you drop it right here?”
“Nope,” says the blonde, “but it’s easier looking for it here as the light’s better.”
A boss walks up to his new secretary and asks,
“Linda, do you know the difference between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?”
“No,” she replies.
“Great!” he says, “Let’s have lunch.”
Fu, Bu and Chu emigrate from China to America. After hearing the trouble people have saying their names they decide to Americanise them.
Bu called himself Buck, Chu called himself Chuck, and Fu goes back to China.
News flash: Doctors in Austria have performed the worlds first successful tongue transplant. Just hours after this pioneering surgery, the patient was awake and able to give his first interview. When asked by a reporter, “How does it feel to have a new tongue?”
He replied, “Wellllllll ifmmnnnn mmmmmm arrrr Bettfffffflllllerr!”
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who
enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so
obsessed with sex?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered, "Think about this...when your ear
itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels
better-your ear or your finger?"
A teacher asks her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favourite bible stories. But when she looks at some of the work she a little puzzled. One Picture shows four people on an airplane. So she asks little Johnny,
“What story is your picture of?”
“The flight to Egypt,” replies Johnny. "I see. And that must be Jesus, Mary and Joseph. But who’s the fourth person?"
“Oh,” replies Johnny, “that’s Pontius - the Pilot!”
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another.
After this and the accompanying small talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.
The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again!
Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dick and an butt full of quarters!
Customer: "Do you have any cockroaches?"
Clerk: "Yes, we sell them to the fisherman."
Customer: "I would like 20,000 of them."
Clerk: "What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?"
Customer: "I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it."
"Mom," said the little boy, in from playing. "I think the people who live next door are really, really poor?"
"Why do you say that, my little one?"
"Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a penny!"
"Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
"Of course," replies his wife. "But what are you going to live on?"
Two newlyweds are suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advises, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an "R" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday."
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?"
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."
News flash: Scientists say that in 2002 five times more money was spent on breast implants and Vagria than on Alzheimer’s research. If this trend continues, they say that by 2030 there will be an epidemic of people with huge breasts and erections that can’t remember what to do with them.
A guy goes to a recruitment agency in Glasgow and asks,
“How you got any good jobs?”
“Sure,” replies the interviewer, “I’ve got an excellent job working in a strip club. You’d have to help the girls undress and put on their costumes. You’d also have to oil them and stuff like that.”
“Sounds great,” says the guy.
“Fantastic, can you get to London’s Soho by 9.00am tomorrow?”
“Why,” asks the guy, “is that where the job is?”
“No, that’s where the line starts.”
Little Johnnie asks his mother, “Mum, where does all of my intelligence come from?”
“Hum,” says his mum, “I think you must have got it form your father because I still got mine!”
1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
8. "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."
9. "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away."
10. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
Leave in a pile
Walk naked to the bathroom
If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making woo hoo sound
Look at manly physique in the mirror
Admire size of your knob and scratch your ass
Get in the shower
Wash your face
Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in shower
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
Wash you butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap
Shampoo hair
Make shampoo mohawk
Pee
Rinse off and get out of shower
Partially dry off
Fail to notice water on floor
Admire knob size in mirror again
Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on floor, leave light and fan on
Return to bedroom with towel around waist
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo hoo noise again
Throw wet towel on bed.
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit ups.
Get in shower
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower
Dry with towel the size of small country
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas
A husband gets a phone call from the hospital saying that his wife has been involved in a car accident and she's in a coma.
He rushes to the hospital to be by her bedside and there he remains for over a week while the doctors are giving up hope but after being there for so long he was getting rather frisky so waits for the doctor to finish his checks and leave the room and his slips his hand under the covers and strokes his wife's leg when he thinks he sees her finger twitch. So he strokes her inner thigh moving upwards and he hears his wife moan. He rushes out of the room yelling for the doctor and tells him that what happened. The doctor takes him aside and suggests that if he tries oral sex, it may be bring his wife round and that he'll keep everyone out of the room so they can have some privacy. The husband excitedly goes into his wife's room and the doctors and nurses wait patiently outside in the corridor.
A few minutes later the guy comes out looking pale, the doctor says
"What's the matter?"
"She's dead"
"Well didn't you do as I suggested?"
"Yes Doctor but she choked!"
Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid
• A few clowns short of a circus
• A few fries short of a Happy Meal
• A few beers short of six-pack
• A few peas short of a casserole
• The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
• A few feathers short of a whole duck
• All foam, no beer
• Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
• Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
• Too much yardage between the goalposts
• Leads the pack in nostril hair growth
• Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
• Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
• No grain in the silo
• Receiver is off the hook
• He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
Circle: A knight that likes culling.
Circumspect: A knight who makes love in secret.
Fertile: Hairy floor covering.
Gentile: Peaceful floor covering.
Hostile: Aggressive floor covering.
Sirloin: Another sexual knight.
Surface: Knight who is rather good looking.
Surmount: A Knight its best to keep in front of you.
Surpass: Another mountain knight.
Surplus: A Mathematical knight in the order of Algebra.
Surround: Fat knight.
Admit: Put on a glove.
Advent: We need more ventilation.
Congest: A group of prisoners having a laugh.
Conquest: A group of prisoners playing hide and seek.
Remit: Put on your glove back on again.
Request: To go on a second adventure.
Submit: Throw the glove in the ocean.
Summit: Add all the gloves together.
Caesarean section: A district in Rome.
Dilate: To live long.
Protein: In favour of young people.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Organic: Musical.
Negligent: what a transvestite wears.
Transvestite: When you get hypnotized to believe your three-piece suit is too small.
Hypnotized: a really cool person witnessed you sign something.
Fascinate: when you swallow a button or a zipper.
Prefer: State of a very young kitten whose fur hasn't grown yet.
Defer: What grows on de cat.
Refer: To grow hair again.
A guy orders a part No. 669 from an electronics factory. But when he receives it he notices that they’ve sent part No. 699.
Furious, he promptly sends it back along with a letter asking for the right part.
A week later, he receives the same part back with a letter containing just four words, “TURN THE PART OVER.”
Three vampires walk into a bar and the waitress asks, “What’ll it be boys?”
“I’ll have a glass of O Positive,” says the first vampire.
“AB Negative for me,” says the second.
“I’m the designated driver,” says the third, “So I’ll just have a glass of plasma.”
The waitress turns to the bartender and yells, “Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!”
A Doctor asks his patient, “Do you like to drink, smoke, and play around with women?”
“Yes," replies the patient.
“You should abstain.” Says the Doc. “And do you like eat steak chips?”
“Yes,” says the patient.
“You should cut back and only do it with moderation,” says the doc.
“If I do all that will I live longer?” asks the patient.
“Nope,” replies the doc “but it’ll seem a lot longer.”
Little Billy was in his Nursery class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman. Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and he takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the a*se.”
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in and took little Billy aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
“No,” said Billy, “he really plays for Sunderland, but I was too embarrassed to say.”
A cheeky fireman reaches a third story window with his ladder. When he looks in the window he sees a beautiful young blonde in a negligee.
“Don’t be afraid,” says the fireman “I’ve saved lots of pregnant woman.”
“I’m not pregnant!" shouts the girl.
“Yea, And you’re not saved yet.” Replies the fireman.
Little Johnny a student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anythingto do with girls. They say he could easily kill someone it so large. Through the grapevine,
his teacher learns about his unusual size. She keeps him behind after school and
suggests they have sex. He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and
scoffs at the idea and says she will go on top. Johnny reluctantly agrees. The teacher
experiences such wonderful sensations that she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's
killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing,
"Oh my God! I’ve killed her! I’ve killed her!" All at once he stops in his tracks, and look of
dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says,
"Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. The dumb bitch committed suicide!"
A blonde woman was driving down the highway when her car broke down. She pulled to the side of the road, got out and opened the trunk of her car.
Two men dressed in trench coats got out of her trunk. They faced the oncoming traffic and proceeded to bare their nude bodies to the other drivers.
A cop drives up and asks the blonde, "What the hell is going on here?"
She tells him, "Well officer, my car broke down."
He says, "Miss, I can see that, but why are these two men exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic?"
She says, "I didn't want to cause an accident, so I'm using my emergency flashers!"
A Traffic cop stops a guy for speeding.
"I've been waiting all day for you," says the cop.
The guy replies, "Well I’ve got here as fast as I can."
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey, if I lie I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible."
His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but..."
"But, what?"
"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed."
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so?"
Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away."
Late one night at an insane asylum an inmate shouts, “I’m Napoleon!”
His pal says, “How do you know?”
“God told me!” replies Napoleon.
A voice from across the room shout back, “No I Bloody didn’t!”
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible, when he asked,
"Which service? The 8:30 or the 11:00?"
An Oxford Anthropologist is reading an old book about Africa when he finds an astonishing statement. “The women of one central African tribe had vaginas 4 inches wide and 10 inches deep.” Amazed and determined to check the claim he immediately flies to Africa.
After months trekking through the jungle he finds the tribe and has a private meeting with the chief.
“I’ve heard that the women in your tribe have vaginas 4 inches wide and 10 inches deep. Is it true?”
“Dat's right!" replies the chief with a puzzled look.
“But… But how can you possibly have sex with a woman who has a vagina that size?” asks professor.
“Dat’s no problem!” says the chief, “Dey stretch, dey stretch!”
If a man is alone in the forest and makes a statement and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Yet more criticism for the American administration in Baghdad today. Apparently the pigeons are extremely angry. They say since all the statues have been removed and they’ve got nowhere to crap.
A guy goes to a country fair with his wife and they start looking at the livestock. The first display is all the bulls. The first bull has a sign that says,
“This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says,
“50 times last year. You could learn from that.”
The next bull has a sign that says,
“This bull mated 65 times last year.” Again the wife says,
“65 times in a year. You could learn from this one as well.” The next bull has a sign that says, “This bull mated 365 times last year.”
“Wow!” says the wife, “365 times last year. That’s every day. You really could learn from this one.”
The man turns to his wife and says, “Why don’t you go and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
Rick and Adam are having a sleep over. Rick says to Adam, "I'm going to stay up late so I fall asleep in Sunday school tomorrow."
Sure enough the next day Rick falls asleep in Sunday school. The Sunday school teacher asks,
"Who is our Lord and savoir?" So Adam pokes Rick with his pencil and Rick shouts,
"OH MY GOD!" The teacher says,
"Nice Job Rick!"
Next she asks,
"Who died on the cross for us?" So Adam pokes Rick with his pencil and Rick exclaims, "JESUS CHRIST!"
"Good!" says the teacher.
Next the teacher asks,
"What did Eve say to Adam after they had all their children?" Again, Adam pokes Rick with the pencil and Rick screams,
"Adam, if you poke me with that thing one more time I'm break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them: "The first one who can use the words liver and cheese together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish, said the Poodle. That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my, " said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says: "How about you?"
The last of the three is a handsome exiled Cuban dog. He gives her a big smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, in broken English,
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
A couple go on a fishing trip. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn, while the wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Seeing the boat the wife decided to take a short trip boat. She rowed out a distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Then along came the sheriff in his boat.
He pulled up alongside her and said,
"Good morning, Madam. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied,
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write this up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," she snapped the irately.
"But, I haven't even touched you," said the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent," says the bartender.
"One cent!?" exclaimed the guy.
The bartender replied, "Yes, One cent"
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks calls at a house. When a woman answers
and before she can say anything, he dumps a pile of mud her carpet.
"Lady," he says, “if this cleaner does don't remove all that mud, I'll eat what’s left!"
The woman replies, "Do you want ketchup on that?"
Stunned the salesman asks, "What do you mean?"
“Well,” says the woman, "We’ve just had a power cut."
A guy walks into a bar asks for a beer.
"Certainly, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
"Yes. That’s right," says the barman. So the guy glances over at the menu.
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips?"
"Sure," replies the barman, "but that’ll cost."
"How much?" asks the guy.
"4 cents", replies barman.
"FOUR CENTS!!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the owner of this place?"
"Upstairs with my wife," replies the barman.
"What's he doing with your wife?" ask the guy.
"O, Same thing I'm doing to his business."
A coroner was working late one night. It was his job to examine the bodies before they were be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:
Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the coroner, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. "And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
A school class are writing projects on their families. Little John is having trouble with his so the teacher helps him with a few questions.
"What's your father's occupation?" asks the teacher.
"He's a magician," says boy.
"How exciting. What's his best trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Very impressive! And do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yea,” says John, “I’ve one half brother and one half sister."
An IRS agent is questioning a New York sandwich deli owner about his tax return. The owner has reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” says the deli owner. “I work like a dog. Everyone in my family helps out. This place is only closed for three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?”
“It’s not your income that bothers us,” says the agent. “It’s these travel deductions. You’ve listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife.”
“Oh, that,” says the owner smiling. “It’s a legitimate business expense, we also deliver.”
Two weevils grow up in England. One gets the boat to America and becomes a famous actor. The other stays in England and doesn’t amount to much. The second one becomes known to his pals as the lesser of two weevils.
A western guy goes up to an Chinese girl, hands her a table tennis ball and says, “I want you to show me how hot you are with this.”
The girl immediately lies on the floor, pulls down her knickers and pops the ball into her pussy. After composing herself, she quickly coughs and fires the ball across the room.
“Bloody hell that’s amazing,” says the guy, “But, perhaps I should introduce myself, I’m the new table tennis coach.”
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?
Apparently people were confused about which side to spit on.
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his head. Naturally the doctor asks, “What happened?”
“Well, it was like this,” says the man, “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field full of cows. While we were looking for it and I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. So, I walked over and lifted up the tail. Stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt was my wife’s golf ball.
That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doc.
“I pointed at the cows butt and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
A drunk gets on a night bus and staggers up the aisle. He sits next to a prim elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you pal. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man immediately jumps out of his seat and runs down the aisle. “Stop the bus,” he shouts, “If its going to be warm I’ll I need to buy some shorts.”
Three businessmen an American, an English and an Irishman are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there’s a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beeping stops. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my forearm.”
A few minutes later a phone rings. The English man lifts his palm to his ear and begins talking. When he’s finished, he explains, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The Irishman is feeling very low tech and decides he has to do something just as impressive. So he steps out of the sauna and goes to the bathroom. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bum. The others raise their eyebrows and stare at him. Finally the Irishman says, “Would you look at that? I’m getting a fax.”
A middle-aged woman visits her gynaecologist.
“I’ve been have a few problems,” she says, “On Monday I went to the toilet and I heard a plink. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies.” On Tuesday a similar thing happened but the coins were 5 pence pieces. This morning the same thing happened but the coins were 10 pence pieces. What’s wrong with Doctor?”
“Don’t worry,” the gynaecologist replies comfortingly, “You’re simply going through the change.”
The makers of well-known French Mustard have issued the following statement:
“We at ****** wish to put an end to rumours that our product is made in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in England. The only thing that France and our Mustard have in common is that they are both yellow.”
What’s the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic?
A psychotic says, “Two plus two is five.”
A neurotic says, “Two plus two is four, and I can’t stand it.”
Three weeks after her wedding day a woman calls her priest and says, “Father I’ve had a dreadful fight with my husband.”
“Calm down my child,” says the priest, “it’s not as bad as you think. Every marriage has its ups and downs.”
“I know, I know!” says the woman. “But what am I going to do with the body?”
If your partner keeps you awake at night snoring, simply put a few drops of cyanide on their pillow before they go to bed. Its quick simple and you’ll get a peaceful night’s sleep every night.
A guy is staying at a hotel in Torquay and he orders a salad for dinner.
When it arrives all the leaves are limp and rotten. So he turns to the waiter and says, “This salad is off. Just look at the herbs, the Basil’s Faulty!”
Mr Rabbit is walking along the road when he spots a crow at the top of a very tall tree. “Good morning Mr Crow.” He shouts. “What are you doing today?” Mr Crow replies,
“Absolutely nothing Mr Rabbit and loving every minute of it!”
“That sounds pretty good Mr Crow. Do you think I could do that?” asks the Rabbit.
“I don’t see why not!” shouts back the Crow.
So, Mr Rabbit lies on the grass at the side of the road and begins doing absolutely nothing.
Half an hour later a fox sees Mr Rabbit and eats him!
Moral: You can get away with ‘Doing Absolutely Nothing,’ but only if you are at the top of the tree.
Tarzan and Jane are walking in the Jungle when suddenly Tarzan notices a boat being attacked by a crocodile. Tarzan runs to the river, jumps into the water and wrestles the crocodile until it lets go of the boat.
Unfortunately, in the struggle Tarzan Loin cloth is ripped off. When he leaves the water Jane sees his 20-inch penis.
“Why Tarzan your penis!” she exclaims.
Seeing the shock on Jane’s face Tarzan replies, “Jane no worry. It always shrinks in cold water.”
A guy goes to the DHSS to apply for a pension. The woman behind the counter asks him, “Have you got proof of your age?”
“No, I’ve left my wallet at home.” Says the guy.
“OK. Unbutton your shirt.” Says the woman. So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. “The silver hair on your chest is proof enough,” and she processes his claim. When the guy gets home he excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the DHSS office.
“God dam” says the wife, “Didn’t you dropped your pants as well? You might have got disability!”
An Evil king captured a beautiful girl. He forced her to wear a shabby dress and sit in a tower. She waited day and night with the hope that a prince would come and free her. But he never came. Eventually, she cried in distress and the evil king laughed, “See, No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress!”
A railway work is lying on the floor in a station clutching his guts. He’s rolling about in terrible pain and groaning, “Are you alright?” asks a passenger.
“O Arrh, I’ll be OK in a few minutes,” says the worker.
“What’s wrong?” asks the passenger.
“Well,” says the worker, “I’m busting for a shit, but I don’t start work for another 10 minutes.”
A little boy is doing his math homework and while he’s working out his sums he says to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...”
His mother hears what he’s saying and gasps, “What are you doing?”
“I’m doing my maths homework.” The boy replies.
“And is this how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asks.
“Yes,” he answers.
Infuriated, the next day the mother asks the teacher, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
“He’s learning addition.” The teacher replies.
“And are you teaching him to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” Ask the mother?
After the teacher stops laughing, she answers, “No. No. What I taught him was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”
An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is leaking loads of blood.
Eventually a medic turns up and asks, “Can you hear me?”
“Yes” replies the girl.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharon” she splutters.
“OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?”
With a slight cough she replies, “Romford mate.”
A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant is a bit bemused and explains, “We don't sell bottom deodorant and never have.” The blonde replies, “I’ve been buying the stuff from this shore on a regular basis and I’d like some more.”
“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the assistant.
“Sure” Says the blonde pulling it from her handbag and handing it over.
“This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”
Annoyed blonde snatches the container back, and reads out loud from the container instructions, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A guy complains to a mate, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What's wrong?” his pal asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend chuckles.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll say ‘I still remember that time when you…’”
A guy buys some shiny shoes and notices that when he stands near a girl he can see up their skirt! So on Saturday night he goes to the local dance. When his girlfriend arrives he says, “You’re wearing blue knickers tonight.”
“Yes,” she says a bit surprised. “How did you know?” He explains her about the shinny shoes. With a mischievous look she says, “Why don’t you check my sister?”
The guy goes to ask for a dance, but when he gets up close he staggers back in shock and has to take a seat.
“Well,” says his smirking girlfriend, “I see you’ve noticed that my sister doesn’t wear knickers!”
“Thank go for that,” replies the young man, “For a minute there, I thought one of my shoes had a crack in it!”
A guy drinks six beers and when he’s finished the sixth the doorbell rings. As he opens the door a 6-foot cockroach grabs him and throws him across the hallway.
The next night after four beers, the doorbell rings. It’s the 6-foot cockroach again. It punches him in the stomach and walks away.
The next night the guy has just two beers when the doorbell rings. He slowly opens the door and sees the giant roach. It knees him in the groin and elbows him in the back of the head. While he’s doubled up in pain the roach walks away.
Battered and bruised the guy goes to the doctors for a check up. “What can I do, Doc?” he asks.
The doctor replies, “Nothing pal. It’s just a nasty bug that’s going around.”
Two Professors of English, One American and One British are talking. The American Professor says, “You know if Uncle Sam hadn’t helped in the Second World War you’d be speaking German.”
To which the British Professor replies, “May be. And if the French hadn’t helped you during the American War of Independence you’d still be speaking English.”
• If you’re choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and Hey presto! The blockage is instantly dissolved.
• Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them for you!
• Ladies don’t buy a vibrator make own inexpensive version using an empty aluminium cigar tub filled with angry wasps.
• Don't buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before using it.
• Have hours of endless fun by putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl. It makes the their eyes bulge and causes them to swim like crazy.
• Gentlemen avoid long running arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat, by simply pissing in the sink.
• Got High blood pressure? Sufferers of this common complain can simply cure themselves by slashing their wrists and bleed for a while. This great method quickly reduces the pressure in your veins!
• Have trouble getting up in the morning? A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep!
A woman goes to see the doctor and says, “Doc, I’ve got a very embarrassing problem. I was playing with my vibrator last night and I’ve got the whole thing stuck inside me!”
“Don’t worry,” says the doc, “We'll soon get it out of you.”
“Get in out?” says the woman, “I don't want you to get it out. I just want you to change the batteries.”
Did you hear about the World Health Organization’s new publicity campaign?
Apparently they’ve chosen the slogan, “WHO Cares”
In a second campaign specific to African farm sanitation. They’re delivering 20 million
tons of clean fertilizer and using the slogan “WHO Gives A Shit!”
An old couple are getting ready for bed. The man gets in bed as usually but the wife lies on the floor. The old man asks, “Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The wife replies, "Because I’d like to feel something hard for a change.”
A young lady goes to a dance wearing a low-cut dress. Around her neck she’s wearing a gold airplane charm on a long chain. While she’s dancing she notices a young man staring at her. In her embarrassment, she holds up the airplane charm and says, “Like my airplane, huh?”
The young man smiles mischievously. “No. I was just admiring the landing strip.”
A young couple go on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting to impress his new bride with his knowledge of foreign affairs, the husband asks, “What do you think about the Middle East position?” His wife thinks for a moment and then replies, “I don't know, have we tried that one yet?”
A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maid takes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.
“What’s this for?” asks her former employer.
“Its for your dog.” Replies the maid. “He’s been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!”
• My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
• A is for academics - B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.
• Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
• Hi. Now you say something.
• Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
• Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?
• Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call sooner!
• Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• I work hard because: Millions on the dole depend on me!
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
• I took an IQ test: and the results were Negative.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.
Three surgeons are discussing the best type of patient to operate on. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table. As when I open them up I can do everything by numbers.”
The second surgeon says, “No, I think librarians are the best patients. When you open them up you can do everything alphabetical order.”
But the third surgeon says, “No, No the French are the best patients to operate on. When you open them up you’ll find, there’s no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.”
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Smith became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Smith, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”
Bewildered, Mr. Smith was halfway to the car park with his wife when he choked, “I...I...didn't pinch that girl.”
“Of course you didn’t” his wife replied consolingly. “I did!”
A rail commuter is standing on a platform getting increasingly annoyed as he listens to announcements about late and cancelled trains. Seeing a railway worker he marches over to him and says, “You tell me, just what is the point of having a time table if the trains are always late?”
“Well,” says the railway worker, “If we didn’t have a timetable, how would you know they
are late?”
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders some soup. It takes a while before the soup to arrive and when it does it’s too hot. While waiting for the soup to cool, the guy needs to go to the bathroom. But before he leaves the table he thinks,
‘While I’m in the bathroom, somebody might eat the soup. What can I do?’ He has this flash of insight, and he pulls out of his pocket a pen and paper. He writes, ‘I’ve spat into the soup!’
After putting the note next to the soup, our clever guy runs quickly to the bathroom.
But horror, when he returns, he sees an addition in pencil on the note. It reads
‘Me too.’
1. Find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. Find a woman that makes good money.
3. Find a woman that like hot sex.
4. And the important point never let these three women meet.
A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” the husband asks.
After some thought, the wife replies, “I’ll probably look for a house share with three other single women. It might fun to share with women a little younger than myself, as I’ve always been so active.”
“What will you do if I die first?” the wife asks.
We a cheeky smile the husband replies, “Probably the same.”
A couple have eight daughters and desperately want a son. On their ninth attempt they
are finally blessed with a boy. They are so overjoyed that they invite all their friends to
a lavish party to celebrate the birth. While the party is in full swing one of the guests
approaches the father to congratulate him. “So tell me,” he says, “who does your little
boy take after? Does he look like you, or his mum?” The father thinks for a while and
says, “Well, to be honest, I don't know. We haven’t looked at his face yet!”
Wives from North:
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south India until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "Walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.
12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"
13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.
Wives from South:
1. Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras or Anna University .
2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
8. When she mixes milk - curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.
9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.
10. She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.
11. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
12. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
13. She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie.
14. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
15. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it.
16. Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
17. She is more educated than you.
18. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
17. Your friends love you anyway.
18. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
A reporter is walking along the prom at seaside resort. He’s doing a piece on the aggressive behaviour of the sea gulls and is trying to get comments from a cross section of local people. Suddenly is he sees a punk rocker, decides to ask his opinion,
“Excuse me sir, what he would do if a bird crapped your his head?” asks the reporter.
“Hum”, says the punk as he thinks for a moment, “Well I certainly wouldn’t take her out again!”
The early bird still has to eat worms.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
A truck driver looses control of his vehicle and smashes straight into an empty tollbooth. He climbs down from his cab to survey the wreckage and sees that the booth is completely in bits. A couple of minutes latter a van pulls up with a clean up crew.
The workers pick up the tollbooth pieces, spread a creamy white substance on then and then begin fitting them together. In less than an hour they have the tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" says the truck driver to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief replies, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late. “Finally, I’m here” says the guy that’s arriving.
"What kept you?" asks his pal.
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No” he replies “the kid had it under his coat."
• Divorce is often on religious grounds. The wife thinks she’s God and you don’t!
• If you think you’ve got a handle on life, be careful it doesn’t brake!
• The definition of consciousness is the annoying times between naps and drinks.
• Remember Rehab is for Quitters.
• FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
• To discourage inbreeding so playing Country Music!
• HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken a lifetime commitment for a pig.
• All generalizations are false
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• Real women don't have hot flashes. They have power surges.
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• I have the body of a god: Buddha
• Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side, a dark side and it binds the Universe together
• If the Universe is expanding, why the hell can't I find a parking space?
• Never hit a man with glasses-use your fist!
• Trespassers will be shot and survivors will be shot again!
• Death to all fanatics!!
• A pessimist is never disappointed
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which did you do
The government have decided that young women are not getting the message on excessive drinking. So a special think tank hove come up with some new message that will shortly be appearing on alcohol contains.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
A guy’s walks down the street when a strong gust of wind blows his hat off.
When he finally catches up with it a dog is chewing it. So the guy complains to the owner, “Look at that!”
“What?” the owner replies.
"Hey! I don't like your attitude!" says the guy scowling.
"It's not my 'at 'e chewed, mate. It' yours!"
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
A Day At The Beach By C. Side
A Large Arsehole By Hugh Janus
A Visit To The Dentist By Lord Howitt-Hertz
Anal Passage By R. Sole
At The Barber's Shop By Shaun Head
Baby's Revenge By Nora Tittov
Beatiful Babe From Newcastle-Upon-Tyne By Bonny Lass
Beside The Seaside By C. Shaw
Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.1 By Amos Quito
Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.2 By Anne Othamosquito
Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.3 By Andy Nuthamosquito
Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.4 By Yetta Nuthamosquito
Blowing Up Buildings By D. Molition
Brainless By M. T. Head
Breaking The Ice By P. Kaxx
Breakfast Recipes By Egon Toast
Breast Feeding By Nora Tittov
Brick Laying By C. Ment
Brown Spots On the Wall By Hu Fling Pu
Call The Plumber By Ivor Leak
Cannibalism By Henrietta Mann
Caring For Parrots By L. O. Polly
Cookery For Beginners By Egon Chips
Death On The Cliff's Edge By Eileen Dover
Defrosting Cattle By Thora Herd
Designing Placards By Bill Poster
Does My Bum Look Big? By Hugh Janus
Driving A Taxi By Minnie Cabb
End Of Term By C. Myra Port
Evacuate The Building By Rufus Falling
Faeces In The Carpet By Drew P. Draws
Fashion Of The 1960's By Minnie Skirt
Fat Bottomed Girls By Hugh Janus
Feed Your Dog Correctly By Nora Bone
First In The Form By Hedda De Classe
Fooling Around By Joe King
Forest Freedom By Lucinda Woods
Fun With Your Friends By Joe Kerr
Garden Full Of Weeds? By Dan D. Lyon
Give To The Poor By Rob Deritch
Golden Waterfall By I. P. Standing
Harbouring A Chinese Fugitive By Hu Yu Hai Ding
Hernia On The Yangtze By Won Hung Low
Hole In The Mattress By Mr. Completely
Home Haircutting By Shaun Head
How To Boast Successfully Vol.1 By Ivor Biggun
Two words which when combined that don't make sense, or
contradict each other.
Act Naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline Food
Almost Exactly
Alone Together
Business Ethics
Butt Head
Christian Scientists
Classic Rock
Clearly Misunderstood
Computer Security
Definite maybe
Diet Ice-Cream
Exact Estimate
Extinct Life
Found Missing
Fresh Frozen
Funny Business
Genuine Imitation
Good Grief
Government Organisation
Jumbo Shrimp
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Military Intelligence
New Classic
"Now, Then ..."
Passive Aggression
Peace Force
Plastic Glasses
Plastic Silverware
Political Science
Pop Art
Pretty Ugly
Same Difference
Silent Scream
Small Crowd
Smart Ass
Soft rock
Sweet Sorrow
Taped Live
Terribly Pleased
Working Vacation
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While drinking he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. After ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the guy’s and whispers, “Wow, that's a really smart dog!”
The man whispers back, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags
his tail!"
| What you say | What you mean |
| I love it when you wear that outfit. | No matter how many times you ask me, I won't tell you that those pants make your ass look fat. |
| I don't need the biggest engagement ring in the store. | I just need a bigger engagement ring than the ones all my friends got. |
| Your eyes are so hypnotic. | I can't make eye contact with you while I am lying about shagging my secretary. |
| Well, I usually don't bring a guy home on the first date. | If you buy me the veal, I'll let you touch my tits. |
| Did you feel the Earth move last night? | Did you notice me farting while you were sleeping? |
| It hurts me when you go out of town on business. | My other boyfriend is into hardcore S&M. |
A guy goes on a quiz show and during the preamble the host asks him,
“So John how would you describe yourself?”
"I'm a man of few words." John replies.
"Yeah, I'm married, too." Says the quiz host.
Tony Blair wanders into a shop in London’s Chinatown. Looking through the display he discovers a bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting he asks the shop owner how much.
“Twenty pounds for the rat,” says the shop owner, “and a hundred more if you want the story that goes with it.”
“I’ll just take the rat,” replies the Tony. And with that he leaves the store.
As he crosses the street two live rats emerge from a drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are on his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a jog as rats swarm from sewers and basements and run after him. Shortly, Rats by the thousand are at his heels, and as he sees the
River Thames, he panics and starts to run full tilt. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamppost. Grasping the post with one arm he hurls the bronze rat into the River. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of Rats surges over the embankment and into the Thames where they drown.
Shaken, he makes his way back to the shop.
“Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.
“Nope,” says the Tony, “I was wondering if you’ve a bronze statue of an asylum seeker.”
A young substitute teacher asks her class,
“If three birds are sitting on a telephone wire and a farmer shoots one.
How many are left?”
“Please, Miss,” says little Johnny, “None.”
“How do you work that out, Johnny?” asks the teacher.
“Well miss, the noise of the gun would scare the other two away!”
“No,” says the teacher, “the answer is two. But I like the way you think.”
During the lunch break little Johnny asks the teacher,
“Three women are sitting on a park bench, one eating an apple, one drinking a can of Coke, and one sucking a lollipop. Which one isn’t married?”
The teach shrugs and says, “The one sucking the lollipop?”
“No,” says Johnny, “The one without a wedding ring. But I like the way you think!”
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It’s for my husband,” she tells the assistant.
“Do you what gauge he wants?” asks the assistant.
“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”
Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, “How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?”
“I’m the class of 2003. I just graduated from Harvard and I’m very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!”
The driver shakes the young man’s hand and replies,
“Congratulations young man. I’m George, Class of 1988.”
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
A customer is continually bothering a waiter in a restaurant. First he asks for the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asks for it be turned down because its too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter is very patient, walking back and forth and never getting angry. So finally, a second customer asks, “Hey, why don't you just throw out that pest?” "Oh, I don't mind," says the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
This is a genuine psychological! See how you do …
It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy that she didn’t know. She thought this guy was amazing. A real dream guy, so much she that she fell in love with him at first sight. But so forgot to get his number and could not find him. A few days later the girl killed her own sister!
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down. NO CHEATING!
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Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at her sister funeral.
If you answered the question correctly be afraid! Be very afraid, you think like a
psychopath!
An American psychologist developed the test. It was used to see who has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this research and gave the
same answer as you!
If you answered the question incorrectly, well good for you. Your friends have hit the
jackpot a sane stable individual for a friend.
The lion is complaining a tiger about his losses at poker.
"What do you expect," says the tiger. "You were playing a cheetah."
Read the sentence below:
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count the F`s in that sentence. Count them only once
Answer:
There are six F`s in the sentence.
A person of average intelligence finds three of them.
If you spotted four, you`re above average.
If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.
If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"`s.
The human brain tends to see them as V`s and not F`s.
A boy opens an old family Bible and looks with fascination at the pages as he turns them. Suddenly, something falls out of the Bible. He picks it up and looks at it closely. It’s an old tree leaf that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mum, look what I found," the shouts boy.
"What is it, dear?" his mother asks.
"I think it's Adam's underpants!"
A middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
Teacher: Little Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say, “I am.”
Johnny: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
A guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve hour day and collapses in bed. He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, woman lying next to you?"
He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"
The Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in the Office!
1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."
2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management
course you sent me to."
4. "I was working smarter, not harder."
5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm!"
7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at
the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
13. "The coffee machine is broke...."
14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. Next, I watch the Walton's."
18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."
20. "I thought you [boss] were gone for the day."
Future Worlds Customer Care Services
[When There are able to get every information of you from there System]
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Customer: [Faints]
World's Smallest Resignation Letter
--------------------------------------------
Boss,
I Love Your Wife.
Yours Faithfully
(Your Signature)
----------------------------------------------
Two Friends are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
____________________________________________________________________
Two good friends were out hiking one day. One of the hikers stepped off the trail to take a leak. Suddenly a rattlesnake bit him right where it counts most. He screamed and his friend came running.
After a minute of panic, the friend said... "Look you just wait here and rest while I run into town to get some help." His friend ran all the way to town and found the doctor.
Doctor: "Hmm.. well, I'm afraid you are going to have to cut the wound lengthwise across the fang marks and then suck all the venom out. Your friend should be just fine then." The town doctor wasn't able to go to the victim because advanced age so the hiker asked him to repeat his instructions several times just to be sure he had them right. He then ran as fast as he could back to his injured friend in the woods.
Injured Hiker: "Did you find the doctor?"
Friend: "Yes, I ran all the way to town and I found the doctor."
Injured Hiker: "Well, what did he say?"
Friend: "He said you're going to die..."
_________________
Open Book Illusion
Man and a Woman Illusion Pic
Young Girl and An Old Lady Illusion
1. Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley’s Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen.
2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen.
3. The “57″ on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.
4. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world’s garbage annually. On average, that’s 3 pounds a day per person.
5. Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.
6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn’t digest itself.
7. 98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.
8. A B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.
9. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
10. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.
11. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
12. Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son.
13. Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number.
14. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
15. All the chemicals in a human body combined are worth about 6.25 euro (if sold separately).
16. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.
17. The ZIP in “ZIP code” means Zoning Improvement Plan.
18. Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903.
19. A “2 by 4″ is really 1 1/2 by 3 1/2.
20. It’s estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk.
21. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar
22. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
23. Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye and tongue print along with their finger print.
24. The “spot” on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.
25. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
26. The “save” icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.
27. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins (Elsa Löwenthal and Emma Wedgewood respectively).
28. Camel’s have three eyelids.
29. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day.
30. John Wilkes Booth’s brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln’s son.
31. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
32. Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system.
33. Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps.
34. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
35. 55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.
36. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
37. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
38. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name “soyce”.
39. Slugs have four noses.
40. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
41. The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).
42. India has a Bill of Rights for cows.
43. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (DON’T TRY IT, DUMBASS)
44. During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.
45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads.
46. About 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the United States.
47. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
48. Over a course of about eleven years, the sun’s magnetic poles switch places. This cycle is called “Solarmax”.
49. There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.
50. Upper and lower case letters are named “upper” and “lower” because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.
51. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
52. The numbers “172″ can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
53. Coconuts kill about 150 people each year. That’s more than sharks.
54. Half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday.
55. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before it.
56. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
57. The first bomb the Allies dropped on Berlin in WWII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
58. The average raindrop falls at 7 miles per hour.
59. It took Leonardo Da Vinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa. He never signed or dated the painting. Leonardo and Mona had identical bone structures according to the painting. X-ray images have shown that there are 3 other versions under the original.
60. If you put a drop of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
61. Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the film down so you could see his moves.
62. The largest amount of money you can have without having change for a dollar is $1.19 (3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies cannot be divided into a dollar).
63. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”.
64. IBM’s motto is “Think”. Apple later made their motto “Think different”.
65. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white, due to low budget.
66. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
67. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
68. One in fourteen women in America is a natural blonde. Only one in sixteen men is.
69. The Olympic was the sister ship of the Titanic, and she provided twenty-five years of service.
70. When the Titanic sank, 2228 people were on it. Only 706 survived.
71. In America, someone is diagnosed with AIDS every 10 minutes. In South Africa, someone dies due to HIV or AIDS every 10 minutes.
72. Every day, 7% of the US eats at McDonald’s.
73. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, which Motorola got their name from.
74. In the US, about 127 million adults are overweight or obese; worldwide, 750 million are overweight and 300 million more are obese. In the US, 15% of children in elementary school are overweight; 20% are worldwide.
75. In Disney’s Fantasia, the Sorcerer to whom Mickey played an apprentice was named Yensid (Disney spelled backward).
76. During his entire life, Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting, “Red Vineyard at Arles”.
77. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
78. One in ten people live on an island.
79. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
80. 28% of Africa is classified as wilderness. In North America, its 38%.
81. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
82. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
83. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said “Elementary, my dear Watson”, Humphrey Bogart NEVER said “Play it again, Sam” in Casablanca, and they NEVER said “Beam me up, Scotty” on Star Trek.
84. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
85. Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokes model.
86. The sound you here when you put a seashell next to your ear is not the ocean, but blood flowing through your head.
87. More people are afraid of open spaces (kenophobia) than of tight spaces (claustrophobia).
88. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
89. There is a 1 in 4 chance that New York will have a white Christmas.
90. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
91. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
92. Back in the mid to late ’80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.
93. $203,000,000 is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.
94. Every US president has worn glasses (just not always in public).
95. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
96. Jim Henson first coined the word “Muppet”. It is a combination of “marionette” and “puppet.”
97. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with (not counting the words “North” and “South).
98. The Michelin man is known as Mr. Bib. His name was Bibendum in the company’s first ads in 1896.
99. About 20% of bird species have become extinct in the past 200 years, almost all of them because of human activity.
100. The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
101. About 14% of injecting drug users are HIV positive.
102. A word or sentence that is the same front and back (racecar, kayak) is called a “palindrome”.
103. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
104. People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide.
105. China has more English speakers than the United States.
106. Finnish folklore says that when Santa comes to Finland to deliver gifts, he leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko instead. According to French tradition, Santa Claus has a brother named Bells Nichols, who visits homes on New Year’s Eve after everyone is asleep, and if a plate is set out for him, he fills it with cookies and cakes.
107. One in every 9000 people is an albino.
108. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
109. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
110. Everyday, more money is printed for Monopoly sets than for the U.S. Treasury.
111. Every year 4 people in the UK die putting their trousers on.
112. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds; dogs only have about ten.
113. Our eyes are always the same size from birth but our nose and ears never stop growing.
114. In every episode of “Seinfeld” there is a Superman picture or reference somewhere.
115. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck.
116. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
117. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
118. Each year in America there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity.
119. About 55% of all movies are rated R.
120. About 500 movies are made in the US and 800 in India annually.
121. Arabic numerals are not really Arabic; they were created in India.
122. Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations (implemented on July 16, 1969) makes it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles.
123. The February of 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
124. The Pentagon in Arlington Virginia has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
125. There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat, though it may feel uncomfortable.
126. The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
127. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
128. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
129. There are about 2 chickens for every human in the world.
130. The word “maverick” came into use after Samuel Maverick, a Texan refused to brand his cattle. Eventually any unbranded calf became known as a Maverick.
131. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
132. For every memorial statue with a person on a horse, if the horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died of battle wounds; if all four of the horse’s legs are on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
133. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the American flag is flying over the Parliament Building.
134. An American urologist bought Napoleon’s penis for $40,000.
135. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
136. Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters “MT”.
137. $283,200 is the absolute highest amount of money you can win on Jeopardy.
138. Almonds are members of the peach family.
139. Rats and horses can’t vomit.
140. The penguin is the only bird that can’t fly but can swim.
141. There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.
142. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.
143. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
144. There are only four words in the English language that end in “-dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
145. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
146. Every time you lick a stamp you consume 1/10 of a calorie.
147. “101 Dalmatians” and “Peter Pan” are the only Disney animations in which both of a character’s parents are present and don’t die during the movie.
148. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
149. Hedenophobic means fear of pleasure.
150. Ancient Egyptian priests would pluck every hair from their bodies.
151. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
152. Half of all crimes are committed by people under the age of 18. 80% of burglaries are committed by people aged 13-21.
153. An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
154. All polar bears are left-handed.
155. The catfish has over 27000 taste buds (more than any other animal)
156. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
157. Butterflies taste with their feet.
158. Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump.
159. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
160. Starfish have no brains.
161. 11% of the world is left-handed.
162. John Hancock and Charles Thomson were the only people to sign the Declaration of independence on July 4th, 1776. The last signature came five years later.
163. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
164. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
165. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
166. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
167. A healthy (non-colorblind) human eye can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.
168. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
169. Lizards can self-amputate their tails for protection. It grows back after a few months.
170. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”. It can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
171. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
172. A honeybee can fly at fifteen miles per hour.
173. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
174. A “jiffy” is the scientific name for 1/100th of a second.
175. The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.
176. The youngest pope ever was 11 years old.
177. The first novel ever written on a typewriter is Tom Sawyer.
178. One out of every 43 prisoners escapes from jail. 94% are recaptured.
179. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
180. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs melted into it.
181. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
182. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
183. Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files (i.e. “You’ve got Mail!”). He is heard about 27 million times a day. The recordings were done before Quantum changed its name to AOL and the program was known as “Q-Link.”
184. A polar bears skin is black. Its fur is actually clear, but like snow it appears white.
185. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis middle name was spelled Aron, in honor of his brother.
186. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
187. Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes.
188. Shakespeare invented the words “assassination” and “bump.”
189. There are a million ants for every person on Earth.
190. If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
191. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
192. The name Jeep comes from “GP”, the army abbreviation for General Purpose.
193. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
194. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
195. Cats’ urine glows under a black light.
196. A “quidnunc” is a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip.
197. The first US Patent was for manufacturing potassium carbonate (used in glass and gunpowder). It was issued to Samuel Hopkins on July 31, 1970.
198. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors, the helicopter, and many other present day items.
199. In the last 4000 years no new animals have been domesticated.
200. 25% of a human’s bones are in its feet.
201. David Sarnoff received the Titanic’s distress signal and saved hundreds of passengers. He later became the head of the first radio network, the National Broadcasting Company (NBC).
202. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
203. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than every Nike factory worker in Malaysia combined.
204. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the ’30s lobbied against hemp farmers (they saw it as competition).
205. “Canada” is an Indian word meaning “Big Village”.
206. Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.
207. If you yelled for 8 years 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
208. Rape is reported every six minutes in the U.S.
209. The human heart creates enough pressure in the bloodstream to squirt blood 30 feet.
210. A jellyfish is 95% water.
211. Truck driving is the most dangerous occupation by accidental deaths (799 in 2001).
212. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
213. Elephants only sleep for two hours each day.
214. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
215. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. (the heart is not a muscle)
216. In golf, a ‘Bo Derek’ is a score of 10.
217. In the U.S, Frisbees outsell footballs, baseballs and basketballs combined.
218. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
219. If you plant an apple seed, it is almost guaranteed to grow a tree of a different type of apple.
220. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
221. The only real person to be a PEZ head was Betsy Ross.
222. There are about 450 types of cheese in the world. 240 come from France.
223. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers plays football at home the stadium becomes Nebraska’s third largest city.
224. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life”.
225. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
226. In Iceland, a Big Mac costs $5.50.
227. Broccoli and cauliflower are the only vegetables that are flowers.
228. Newborn babies have about 350 bones. They gradually merge and disappear until there are about 206 by age 5.
229. There is no solid proof of who built the Taj Mahal.
230. In a survey of 200000 ostriches over 80 years, not one tried to bury its head in the sand.
231. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A quarter has 119.
232. On an American one-dollar bill there is a tiny owl in the upper-left-hand corner of the upper-right-hand “1″ and a spider hidden in the front upper-right-hand corner.
233. Judy Scheindlin (”Judge Judy”) has a $25,000,000 salary, while Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has a $190,100 salary.
234. The name for Oz in the Wizard of Oz was thought up when the creator Frank Baum looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z.
235. Andorra, a tiny country on the border between France and Spain, has the longest average lifespan: 83.49 years.
236. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
237. Mr. Rogers was an ordained Presbyterian minister.
238. In America you will see an average of 500 advertisements a day.
239. John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
240. You can lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
241. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
242. “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.
243. There are 336 dimples on a regulation US golf ball. In the UK its 330.
244. The Toltecs (a 7th century tribe) used wooden swords so they wouldn’t kill their enemies.
245. “Duff” is the decaying organic matter found on a forest floor.
246. The US has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.
247. There have been over 600 lawsuits against Alexander Grahm Bell over rights to the patent of the telephone, the most valuable patent in U.S. history.
248. Kuwait is about 60% male (highest in the world). Latvia is about 54% female (highest in the world).
249. The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters.
250. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.
251. At the height of its power in 400 BC, the Greek city of Sparta had 25,000 citizens and 500,000 slaves.
252. Julius Caesar’s autograph is worth about $2,000,000.
253. The tool doctors wrap around a patient’s arm to measure blood pressure is called a sphygmomanometer.
254. People say “bless you” when you sneeze because your heart stops for a millisecond.
255. US gold coins used to say “In Gold We Trust”.
256. In “Silence of the Lambs”, Hannibal Lector (Anthony Hopkins) never blinks.
257. A shrimp’s heart is in its head.
258. In the 17th century, the value of pi was known to 35 decimal places. Today, to 1.2411 trillion.
259. The bestselling books of all time are The Bible (6billion+), Quotations from the Works of Mao Tse-tung (900million+), and The Lord of the Rings (100million+)
260. Pearls melt in vinegar.
261. “Lassie” was played by a group of male dogs; the main one was named Pal.
262. In 1863, Paul Hubert of Bordeaux, France, was sentenced to life in jail for murder. After 21 years, it was discovered that he was convicted of murdering himself.
263. Nepal is the only country that doesn’t have a rectangular flag. Switzerland is the only country with a square flag.
264. Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer are the only angels named in the Bible.
265. Tiger Woods’ real first name is Eldrick. His father gave him the nickname “Tiger” in honor of a South Vietnamese soldier his father had fought alongside with during the Vietnam War.
266. Johnny Appleseed planted apples so that people could use apple cider to make alcohol.
267. Abraham Lincoln’s ghost is said to haunt the White House.
268. God is not mentioned once in the book of Esther.
269. The odds of being born male are about 51.2%, according to census.
270. Scotland has more redheads than any other part of the world.
271. There is an average of 61,000 people airborne over the US at any given moment.
272. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane in case there is a crash.
273. The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad. The most common name (of any type) in the world is Mohammed.
274. The surface of the Earth is about 60% water and 10% ice.
275. For every 230 cars that are made, 1 will be stolen.
276. Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. President to be born in a hospital.
277. Lightning strikes the earth about 8 million times a day.
278. Around 2,000 left-handed people die annually due to improper use of equipment designed only for right handed people.
279. The “if” and “then” parts of conditional (”if P then Q”) statement are called the protasis (P) and apodosis (Q).
280. Humans use a total of 72 different muscles in speech.
281. If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.
282. Only female mosquitoes bite.
283. The U.S. Post Office handles 43 percent of the world’s mail.
284. Most household dust is made of dead skin cells.
285. One in about eight million people has progeria, a disease that causes people to grow faster than they age.
286. The male seahorse carries the eggs until they hatch instead of the female.
287. The “countdown” (counting down from 10 for an event such as New-Years Day) was first used in a 1929 German silent film called “Die Frau Im Monde” (The Girl in the Moon).
288. Negative emotions such as anxiety and depression can weaken your immune system.
289. There are seven suicides in the Bible: Abimelech. Samson, Saul, Saul’s armor-bearer, Ahithophel, Zimri, Judas.
290. A mongoose is not a goose but more like a meercat, which is not a cat but more like a prairie dog, which is not a dog but more like a ground squirrel.
291. Stephen Hawking was born exactly 300 years after Galileo died.
292. Mercury is the only planet whose orbit is coplanar with its equator. Venus and Uranus are the only planets that rotate opposite to the direction of their orbit.
293. John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe died on July 4th. Adams and Jefferson died in the same year. Supposedly, Adams last words were “Thomas Jefferson survives.”
294. The Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Grover Cleveland’s baby daughter, Ruth, not Babe Ruth the baseball player.
295. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.
296. The Falkland Isles (pop. about 2000) has over 700000 sheep (350 per person).
297. There are 41,806 different spoken languages in the world today.
298. While many treaties have been signed at or near Paris, France (including many after WWI and WWII), nine are actually known as the “Treaty of Paris”: Seven Years’ War (1763), American Revolutionary War (1783), French-Swede War (1810), France vs Sixth Coalition (1814), Battle of Waterloo (1815), Crimean War (1856), Spanish-American War (1898), union of Bessarabia and Romania (1920), establishment of European Coal and Steel Community (1951).
299. Robert Todd Lincoln (Abraham Lincoln’s oldest son) was in Washington DC during his father’s assassination as well as during President Garfield’s assassination, and he was in Buffalo NY when President McKinley was assassinated.
300. The city of Venice stands on about 120 small islands.
301. The past-tense of the English word “dare” is “durst”.
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